Keeping fit all over again.

It has been a long time since my last post, so yep, I thought I would come in and fill this void with a little bit of rubbish. One thing that has really become a priorty in my life now, is keeping fit. I have no idea and can't really remember when it started, but I just woke up one day, looked at my body, and decided I was going to change that. I was sick of being fat, sick of feeling lethargic all the time, sick of feeling like a bum. And so my fitness plan began!

I used to be pretty much in shape when I was in the army 9 years ago. Back then I was 173cm tall and weighed a consistent 65kg. I was the fastest runner in my battalion, I got gold results for my fitness tests, but one thing I noticed, was that I never really had muscle definition. All I looked like was a skinny kid. And the strange thing was, I ate all the junk food I wanted but never got fat.

Fast forward a couple of years, I got a car and got a job. So I basically drove everywhere, didn't have the time or motivation to workout, and didn't really see a need to stay fit. I started getting really fat, and weighed about 90kg before I decided one day that hey, I've had enough of this. I want to be fit again, I want to feel good about my body again, I want to see how much I can transform myself. By this time, I could not even do ONE pushup, I couldn't walk up a flight of stairs without feeling out of breath and I have a huge bulging tummy from all the eating and beer-drinking. I started jogging and doing knee-pushups, situps, etc. And I fell in love with wakeboarding, so it became a sport I did every week. Needless to say I could barely handle the sport, and started having injuries and sores because my body simply couldn't cope with the stress of the sport. Still I pressed on but I felt like I wasn't making much progress in terms of weight-loss. It's strange how losing weight suddenly seemed like such a hugely impossible task now.

And then I read about the Atkin's diet. And I'm an impatient man, but very determined once I decide I want to do something. So I decided to try using it as a crash diet to lose some weight really fast, then slowly easing back into a normal diet and maintaining my weight with excercise. I love my food, so Atkin's really isn't a long term solution for me! So for the next 2 months, I forced myself to eat ZERO carbs. Yea I know Atkin's still allows a little carbs, but I wanted results fast. It was pretty much a torture. I felt really, really weak from the lack of carbs in my life. Everything suddenly seemed to require twice as much effort to move. And everything I loved seems to have carbs in them, I never realised how much carbs meant to my life. Even a bloody fishball has carbs for goodness sake. Even soya sauce has a little carb in it, so I steered clear away from that too. I felt really grumpy, I felt totally weak, I really missed my food, and I really hated the strange metallic taste in my mouth, which is a result of ketosis. Workouts became a torture too, I barely had strength to lift or run anymore, but still I forced myself through them.

Then, I started losing weight, really fast. I didn't measure exactly how much, all I know is that fats are starting to disappear from my body, and my pants were getting looser and looser. So for the next 2 months, I kept at this diet. Until that one fateful week. A little too much wakeboarding in a week, coupled with a few bad falls, a mild concussion, a twisted ankle, an injured back and a torn hamstring, I was forced to finally rest my body. And I had to finally admit to myself that despite the great short-term results of this diet, it could not support my lifestyle. My body is recovering really slowly from injuries, and a lack of strength while wakeboarding meant I was more prone to injuring myself as well.

So I slowly started taking more carbs again, and with a couple of days of rest and light exercise, I slowly recovered. I can't go back to wakeboarding yet because I still have not recovered from my concussion, but my body feels like its on steroids now. From not being able to do a single pushup, I have somehow trained myself to be able to do 5 sets of 10 pushups, 5 sets of 3 pull-ups and 5 sets of 5 inclined pull-ups in a typical arms workout day. I used to be giddy, totally breathless, and unable to walk straight after my usual jogging route, but today, I did the route twice without stopping and still felt great after that.

And all of these feel great! I have really pushed myself to the limit the last few months, but looking at the results now, it makes me feel really proud of myself. I still have a long way to go, but I'm getting there!

Achievement unlocked!

Ok this might be getting really dry since I am always posting about my puny wakeboard jumps, but today I did my first wake-to-wake jump! Clare decided my clumsy attempts at doing a small pop was getting somewhere, so today she told me to give it a good, hard edge and YES, I cleared the wake. And I am actually better at landing the big wake jumps than the small ones, go figure. I suffered several very dramatic falls though and my legs do not remotely feel like my legs anymore. But still, I wanna wakeboard again soon!! Gosh, everytime I get a bit better I just wanna go for more and more. It's addictive!

Life has pretty been really busy for me these few weeks. I finally understood what Mark said about never getting enough sleep when you run your own business. I find myself losing track of time, I don't seem to be able to keep track of what day of the week it is anymore! Everyday it's the same routine; I wake up, do some work, have my breakfast, do more work, have my lunch, do even more work, have my dinner, do a lot more work, excercise, sleep. Rinse and repeat.

But I really enjoy it, because everything I do, it goes towards building my own business, my own little empire. There isn't anyone to tell me what to do, or what not to do anymore. I just do it because I know I have to, and I want to, and that is a hell lot better than working for someone else. Yes, it's a hell lot tougher than my previous jobs, and I work an average of 16 hours a day, but when you WANT to do something, it doesn't exactly feel like work anymore. There is no one here to help us but myself and Sam. There is no cutting corners, pushing the workload to someone else, or finding a way to skive. If you don't get it done, it will not be done. Simple as that. Even when I'm sleeping, I will somehow always check my phone for orders or customer enquiries. And time is never enough, because there isn't an allocated workload to me anymore. How much I want the business to grow is how much work I have to put in.

But one thing I love about running my own business, is that my time is my own! I don't have to follow somebody's fixed schedule of when I should work anymore. I wake up when I think I have rested enough, I work until I think I need rest, I take a break when I know I can, and treat myself to a little break. I can never see myself working for someone else again. I just hope that this business will take off well!

Bloody tired

I am damn tired! It's been work, work and more work nowadays. I don't even have time to work out anymore, most of my workouts are done at home with a dumbell. While I'm doing....work. How can setting up a bloody website be so tiring?! Well it is, there are so many things I don't see when I surf a site. Finding suppliers, the cheapest and the best, sorting through hundreds of products, with thousands of variants, checking fitment for different vehicles, photoshopping photos, finding photos, doing layouts, links, and themes, marketing, SEOs, shipping rates, payment options, e-mails....and the list goes on. Still, everything is up and running now, we just need to get the word out that 32deg.com is taking over the world!

Joycelyn thought I was shitting her when I showed her the site. She thinks it couldn't have been done by me. HAHA. Thanks for the compliment babe. And she's just started school, and, very surprisingly, has not skipped any lessons yet! Now that's something, considering it's Joycelyn. Guess we both can be proud of each other this month lol.

And Jasmine is back to being my good buddy again. Just like old times, we will entertain each other with random rubbish, I will whine to her about me missing the girl, and she will whine to me about her new guy. We had a trip to Malaysia recently to see some pet shops, things really do feel different now. I no longer have the yearning to hold her hand, or hug her, or whatnot. She's just someone I can still share everything with, someone I can count on to make me laugh. And since we were once a couple, I guess that makes our conversations with each other even more open. It's just comfortable being around her, like it has always been. We got lost for a while because she sucks with directions, even though she refuses to admit it. After a while of driving and complaining, we finally arrived at the pet store. There, I saw a kitten which was just the most adorable thing I had ever met! Jasmine, being Jasmine, just blatantly grabbed the kitten and cuddled him for a photo. Surprisingly, the kitten froze and stayed still while I was taking the shot, only moving after I put the camera down. Here he is in all his furry glory:

Anyways, that girl once again splurged on bearded dragons, and has a whole family of them now. Here they are, from grandma all the way to the little ones.

Abscence makes the heart grow fonder

Yep. It does.

I got bored and....

I told Sam I was gonna challenge my own photoshop skills. So in 5 mins, I came up with....

MUAHAHAHA. I feel like a retard now. That has got to be the highest wake jump in human history. Ok back to work folks, tata.

Better, faster, stronger!

Went for a wakeboarding session with Clare, Leon and Sarah today. I got spotted by my angry teacher not installing my fins again, so I sheepishly went to install them after her death stare. I know it's easier to ride with fins, but I like the loose feeling of a finless board, and honestly I like the added difficulty. I like the challenge.

Anyways we rode from 2pm in the afternoon till 7.30pm. I wakeboarded twice and wakesurfed once, and I AM DYING. I have can barely lift my arms, and I couldn't sit up from a lying position just now after lying on the bed for a while. I feel like an old man can! And today, I really felt I was reaching the limits of what I can do unless I get fitter. I couldn't keep my handle low after a few runs, and I just didn't have the strength to push against the wake anymore. I need to get better, faster and stronger. And fast!

Today Clare took a photo for me, I would say my pop has improved since I first wakeboarded eh! Definitely not Shaun Murray standard yet, but I'm happy with the progress!

Good, but never great.

I was reading an article today on www.elitedaily.com, and it spoke about people who "are good, but never great". The author was refering to a particular group of people, who are "reasonably intelligent, but sometimes struggle with laziness and internal motivation". That piqued my interest instantly, and I read on. And I realised how relatable I found his article in my life.

I had always been the smart kid, the one who sees things different from other people, the one who does relatively well in IQ tests, the one who learns things at amazing rates. Sam noticed this about me too, he said he had only seen one other person who learnt things at such a fast rate, and he HAS seen a lot. That made me think back to since I was a kid, and that was when I realised it was pretty true. As a kid I picked up things extremely fast, especially things that I loved. I had always gotten full marks for my maths tests. I learnt to swim and cycle in a day. I fell in love with spiders and reptiles as a kid, and within a week I could draw out the entire anatomy of a tarantula including labels of every single part off the back of my head. In a month I could rattle off more scientific names of spiders than I had thought possible. I picked up remote control cars soon after, and within a month I was the one of the fastest kids at the track. With a stock motor. Then I got interested in explosives, and after a week of studying the Anarchist's Cookbook, I was making impact mixtures and nitroglycerin with my crazy Indian friend. Everything I tried, I picked it up almost right away.
Even as an adult, I fell in love with cars. When I bought my first diesel, I didn't even know diesels had no spark plugs. Today, my mechanic calls me for help on diesel-related issues. I tried ice-skating, and within 2 hours I was skating around the rink, albeit very clumsily. I managed to worm my way into a multinational corporation as a network engineer, and managed to convince everyone I knew what I was doing, when I actually did not even know how to add a new user to Windows when I first joined. I just acted like I knew everything and learnt on-the-go.

But until today, I look back and see that I haven't achieved anything I can be proud of. I was a jack of all trades, but master of none. I flunked junior college, went to a polytechnic, and flunk that too. I do not exactly have any work experience or skills that will bring me far in life. I still haven't found my calling, I'm still without savings or prospects. None of my hobbies I can exactly say I am an expert at, I'm just good. In short, I'm useless now. Seth Borkowski mentioned in his article, that awesome feeling of when you know everyone studied their asses off, but you just saunter in without having studied for the test but yet you just nailed it. Yes it's a damn good feeling alright, and it makes everyone look at you green with envy. And it reinforces the concept of invincibility, that you can not work hard and still be good at everything. That was what I had. My swan song was my 'O' levels, where I just fooled around for the entire year, and crammed everything in a month before the exams. And I did pretty well. But it all went downhill from there, because in junior college it wasn't all about concepts and understanding. Hard work had to be put in, you had to listen in lectures and memorise things. And that is where I failed. Badly. Because I had always believed I was "smart", and that I could get by with minimal effort, and that was impressive. I never saw the need to work for what I wanted, and that was why I failed.

I feel I had never followed through with anything in my life. I loved it when people stare in awe as I pick things up faster than anyone they have seen. But to get better at anything, you need hard work, you need practice, you need the drive to improve. And I didn't.

Firstly, I didn't want anyone to see me put in hard work. I was afraid at sucking at something. I didn't want people to think of me as someone who is pretty good at something because he really worked his ass off for it. I wanted people to remember me as the genius who "got it the first time round". And once I achieved that status, I stopped. Because I was afraid. I feared if I continued putting in effort and didn't improve as much, I would lose my "genius" status. So I would stop, and leave it at that. So you can say I have never failed at anything, but I have never succeeded either.

Secondly, it was just pure laziness. I was always used to getting so much for so little, I didn't want to put in anymore than a little. Because to me a little was always enough, anymore is just a waste of my time. I never had the self-motivation to push myself to accomplish more through hard work. It's only when I am forced to, I shine. I did well in school because my parents forced me to study. When I was conscripted into the army I was the sharpest shot, both with a rifle and with a tank. Because I was forced to. Even physically, I grew faster than others. I became the fastest runner in my battalion because I was forced to. I could strip weapons faster than most people. Again, because I was forced to. And when you take away that external drive, I fall. Because I just couldn't be arsed to drive myself.

Like Seth wrote, I always felt I was the "hidden genius", that I was meant for greater things in life, that I was just unappreciated and just needed the time to shine. But that couldn't be further from the truth. Because it has been 26 years, and the time never came. I never shone, not because my time never came, but because I have never created that time. I had been lying to myself, that greatness will just fall into my lap because I am smart. But that will never happen. Because if you never get up on your ass and do something, you will never get anywhere. You may have an all-out race car, but you will never win if you're just gonna leave it parked. I was never going to be anyone special if I didn't at least try to.

I would say I have changed a lot since then. It's not easy to get out of my lazy bones, but I'm trying. When you've been bumming for the past 26 years of your life, it's really hard to get back on track. I still get my lazy moments, moments when I want to stop, or just slow down for a while. But I force myself to get back on my feet. Running my own business now has never been a better lesson for me. Because there is no one up there to holler at you, to make you do your job. You're your own boss, your own worker, your own slave. It takes a lot of discipline (for lazy me anyways) to make sure I stay on task, but so far I think I'm doing fine. I'm also determined to get fitter, and get better at wakeboarding. This time, I want to prove not to anyone else, but myself what I can do if I set my mind to it.

So hopefully, one day I can be someone I can be proud of. Someday I want to look back at my life and be glad that I had woken up from that state of inertness I was in.

Pain pain pain

Yes I'm in great pain. Yesterday I went for my usual jog and think I overdid some exercises, I could barely get out of bed today. I think its a age thing. I used to be able to do shit like this when I was 18 and would recover the very next day. I feel old gosh. Still, I think it isn't enough, I still feel terribly unfit and very out of shape. I need to get fitter for my wakeboarding!!

Which brings me to my next point. I finally got some proper air on Monday! Went wakeboarding with the usual loud-mouthed Clare and another girl called Adrianne. Clare told me Adrianne had to go for 4 lessons before she even learnt to get up on the board. But far from thinking she's lousy at this, I really respected her determination and perseverance to do what she set out on doing. Most people stop trying if they fail to get up even on the first lesson. So in a way, Adrianne was an inspiration for me that I can achieve what I set out to do if I really wanted it. That lesson I consistently tried my wakejumps. Still falling here and there, and height was still pitiful, but my landings were getting there. This time I went for 3 sets instead of my usual 2, and by the time the last set was done, I was landing my small jumps pretty well, but still wasn't getting much height. 

And so I decided to give it one last go, and signalled to Clare that I wanted to try again. She gave me an evil stare and told me she wants to eat, but I know she will still let me have my last set haha. This time, I decided to follow my motto of  'fuck it and huck it', and went in all guns blazing. This usually ends with a spectacular crash, but this time, I felt myself pop clean off the wake, I heard cheering from the girls, and BAM. I landed it clean. The feeling was awesome! Tried again and once again, another good jump and clean landing. By this time I saw Adrianne taking out her camera, so I went at it again and.... landed flat on my face. Nooooooo, the only video that Adrianne took and I didnt pull it off. But still, I really felt a sense of accomplishment that day. I would have wanted to go again, but I think Clare would strangle me with the rope and leave me to die in the sea. So we packed up and headed to dinner together. Overall though, it was another awesome day! This pursuit of progression, as Danny Harf says it, is what keeps me going.

Anyways, dinner with a friend's sister that day, and she just randomly mentioned me and the girl, we look like we made a really good couple. I tried not to think too much into it, but it still put a smile on my face all the same. Sam gave me the death stare but I persisted. Let me be happy for a while la! Joycelyn did mention it before too, that I do look at her in 'that way', and she feels we seem good together, it's just that she never brought it up to me. Everytime people say stuff like these to me, I guess I have to admit I get a little hopeful. But still, I don't think anything will or should ever happen between us. It's just a feeling I will hide inside and hope will fade in time to come.

Something like that happened after my breakup with Jasmine too. Jas and I brought Pika to the vet because he had an eye infection, and while smoking outside while waiting for Jas, I struck up a conversation with this lawyer who was waiting for his pet too. I mentioned in our conversation that Jas was my friend, and he asked me if she was my girlfriend. I told him no, and that we once were a couple but are just friends now. He said it was a shame, that we looked good together, and he could see that I cared a lot for her. He insisted that he could convince her that we make a good couple (lawyers, really!), but I told him I am happy just being friends. On his way in, he told Jasmine, " Your boyfriend is waiting outside." Jasmine maintained that I was not her boyfriend, but he said, " I think he is, so he is. You guys really look like a good couple." Haha. He's a strange person, but what he said still made me a little happy inside.

Sometimes I wonder why I always end up loving someone I shouldn't. Oh well, maybe one day, another 'girl of my dreams' (who is SINGLE) will saunter into my life, sweep me off my feet and we will live happily ever after. Sam is gonna smack me in the head for being idealistic if he reads this, but still, I believe it will happen one day. For now, it's time to jog! I wanna get fitter faster!

Starting my own business

So I'm starting my own business with Sam now, a small site called 32deg.com. It's really tiring, I'm basically stuck to my computer day in day out. Or maybe I've just been too used to working jobs that basically pay me to sit around and scratch my butt haha. But I enjoy it, because everything I do, every hour I spend, I know it is for my own business, and ultimately my own money. Sure beats working for another boss, where you know that no matter how hard you work, the moolah is gonna end up in his pocket anyways. So tiring as it is, I always find the motivation to press on. But at this moment I am on the verge of strangling those damn China people. Whoever the idiot is who renamed all the Volkswagen cars in China deserves a good kick in the nuts.

Anyways, me and Sam were talking about dreams, and I just realised: I haven't dreamt in a damn long time! I used to dream almost every night, mostly senseless, exciting dreams that involve me breaking into high security compounds and trying to avoid detection (don't ask me why, I have no idea HAHA). But recently, I don't remember having much dreams. Sam thinks it's because I'm too tired, but I would say I had periods in my life I had much less sleep than I do now, but I still dream, so that theory is null and void. I'm hazarding a guess that the more I have on my mind, the more I dream. That's why recently, being happy and lalala and all, I'm not dreaming much, just having a nice sweet sleep. That's just a theory, but I'm half-hoping its true haha. The few dreams I DO remember having though, are related to her. The girl. I had this dream where I finally held her hand, it just felt so real, I actually felt kinda disappointed when I woke up. But nope, me and her can and will never happen, so I'm just pushing it to the back of my head for now. For now it's wakeboard, work, wakeboard, work, wakeboard somemore. Life is good (:

And speaking of wakeboarding, I wakesurfed for the first time yesterday! Ok I kinda sucked at it, but it was still pretty fun. And a much less strain on my poor aching muscles than wakeboarding. So from now on, you can call me surfer dude, thanksyewvehmuch. Muahahaha.

Papa Sam

Had a talk with Sam today, I always enjoy talks with Sam, not just because he's intelligent and there are things I can learn from him, but because of the things he's seen and done, he can always offer a different perspective to how I look at things. He's also very bluntly honest, and will say things that people normally wouldn't say, but things that everyone will know it's true. And because of his blunt honesty, I always feel that I can be honest with him too, and its always nice to have a conversation where you have nothing to hide. There are few things that he says that I feel I can refute. We are different in so many ways, in fact I can say we are almost exact opposites, but yet we are able to discuss things from each other's point of view, and very happily agree to disagree. Conversations with him always set me thinking.

Still, I maintain that I wouldn't want to be like him one day, but there are many things I can learn from him. His is a friendship that lets me realise that it isn't always the people who are like you that you end up being best friends with.

Oh, and just for bragging rights, I took my IQ test and got 146, which puts me in the rank of Genius hahahaha. Still lower than his, and I tried playing cheat by doing the test again in double-quick time, but only managed to get it up to 148. Whhhhhhy. Y I NOT SUPER GENIUS??

First wake jump!

Ok. Ahem. Shall I now proudly announce, that today.... I did my first proper wake jump! Like, a proper, pop-off-the-wake wake jump. Not a feebly cross wake at high speed and get an inch of air before crashing violently kind of wake jump. I know it's not much, so shusssssh. It's a personal achievement. I will look back on this post one day when I am doing whirlybirds and laugh at my own retardness, but for now, thou shalt bask in the glory of my little wake jump.

Met a girl today, I can't remember her name, but she's the chattiest girl I have met in a long time. She can just go on and on and on and on about everything and anything in an extremely fast and chirpy tone. No it's not a bad thing, I really think people like this just brightens your whole day.

So overall, it's a good day at wakeboarding today! Shame I don't have a picture of my achievement. You wouldn't have seen much anyways, I would just have appeared as a dot in the sky. HAHA.

Wakeboard day!

Oanh's 1 month stint in Singapore is finally over again, so I offered to give her a lift to the airport yesterday. I crawled out of bed groggily at the break of dawn, despite having stayed out with Jasmine till 5am in the morning. For me I just felt that it was the least I could do for her. Oanh had apparently come down with a high fever and bad cough, but looked really cheerful nevertheless. I know she always looks forward to going home to her family, there is nothing much in this country that she has fond memories of anyways. She held my hand as we drove along, it's particularly awkward in a manual car, but I still like it anyways. It was something me and Jasmine did last time too. So anyways, I dropped her at the airport, she gave me a really long hug, and we bade our farewells. I didn't ask if she would still be coming back, but I am guessing not in a long time to come. She told me to find a girlfriend fast and show her the next time she comes to Singapore. We shall see, hehe. So with that, I went back home to get my much needed sleep, because its wakeboard day!

This time, Papa and Mama (namely Sam and Linda, that's what I call them now), came along for the ride. Glen and Mel were supposed to come, but they were apparently busy. Sam wants to try his hand at wakeboard, while Linda is just coming along for the ride, and also to catch up with Clare, who, I just realised, is a long-time friend of hers. I was quite determined to learn to do a proper, high, pro-looking wakejump by today, but, many spectacular crashes later, I still couldn't. It was disappointing, yes, but that is not gonna stop me! I will be back on Wednesday, and you shall feel my wrath, Water. Sam gave it a go, but his shoulder injury got really bad, and he had to stop. He *almost* made it out of the water though. Hopefully his shoulder will recover soon, and I will have another wakeboard kaki! Sam's injury and Glen and Mel's absence meant that I was basically the only rider, since Clare refused to let us drive the boat haha. So I thought, what the hell. I'm gonna try and push myself to see how long I could ride. In the end, I think I rode for a good one and a half hours, but still felt pretty fine after that. So, yes, I am proud to announce I am actually getting fitter hahaha.

We ended off with a nice dinner and beer (courtesy of the awesome Clare) by the pier, just outside the Wake Pirate's lair. It was a very nice place to hang out really, and we spent most of our evening there just drinking beer and chatting. We talked about anything and everything, and the topic once again came to me. Gosh, I have no idea why people seem to like to talk about my love life so much. Clare seemed to find it very amusing, and just kept poking fun at me. So that's one more added to the list. GAWD. Clare is one hell of a character though. Physically very fit, pretty tomboyish at times, noisy, full of energy, full of spunk and full of character. She's someone I probably would have tried going for if she wasn't already attached. We talked somemore, mostly about the times that Linda and Clare had while they were working together 3 years ago, and then headed home. And one more thing that just made the day even better was that we were planning to search for Linda's lost cat since he hasn't shown up in days. But when we got home, there he was just taking a dump downstairs. Talk about luck!

Back home, I was lazing on the sofa, and Clare dropped me a text, and basically, she told me to "love myself more". It's strange, she kind of hit the nail on the head I guess. I had always been giving and making people happy, especially Jasmine, I guess I really didn't love myself enough. But that's what I had been doing the past few months, and that's what I plan on continuing to do. Still, I am grateful for her concern. All in all, yesterday was a good day.

Anyways, the wakeboard itch is hitting me again. I seem to be getting more and more addicted to the sport, but I guess it's good for me anyways. Mama will just have to bear with my constant and incessant whining about wanting to go wakeboarding muahaha. Wednesday, Y U SO FAR AWAY.

Guess who's back?

Well, more than one, actually.

My ba xa, Oanh, is back from Vietnam! Actually, I would say I was a little apprehensive to meet her at  first. Because I didn't know how she really felt about me, and I didn't want her to fall in love or harbor any hopes about me, because I know that she is not someone I would fall in love with. I did not want to lead her on. And so I avoided meeting her for a while, but under her persistence, I met her for a short while on my way to a friend's house. She snuck up on me and gave me a tight hug from behind. Well I'll admit it feels good, its been a while since I had a hug heheh. We chatted (in very broken English and wild gesticulation again) about how life has been for us. She showed me photos of Vietnam, and the things she did there. Then I saw a photo of her with another guy, and I asked her, "Boyfriend?" She nodded her head. I asked her if she was planning to get married soon, and she said yes, once they have both saved up enough money. Then she said, " He, Vietnam boyfriend. You, Singapore boyfriend!" and started laughing. PHEW. That was a relief. At least I got that question mark in my head out of the way.

Sometimes I think relationships seem to get more complicated the older I get. Like this, how do you classify this? A relationship? An affair? A fling? I have no idea really. To me, she was the one who was filled that void that Jasmine left when we broke up, even if it was only a bit. She was that small source of comfort for me when I was down. So in a way, I do not "need" her anymore. I am perfectly fine with my singlehood now and really beginning to enjoy my life. But still, feelings and relationships built don't just vanish like that. Not to me anyways. To me she will still be a girl I dote on and someone important to me. My mechanic tried asking me for her number many times, saying he wants to have a go at trying to get her too, since I don't seem to meet her that often anymore. I just refused, and deep inside I hated the way he talked about her. Like, what the fuck do you treat her as? A toy that I grew bored of and now you want to play with it too? Yes, I know what industry she is working in, but that doesn't mean I treat her any less like a woman as I do other girls. She still deserves to be treated like a woman, and that is with respect. More and more I am beginning to see how people treat girls who work in this trade. They objectify these girls. And it just makes me hate this trade even more.

That aside, Oanh decided to stay over last night, despite her morbid fear of the python in my room. I tried to show her how harmless Cass is, but she still seems pretty insistent that he's going to kill her in one bite, so I gave up. We had our *ahem* and then cuddled in bed and fell asleep. It was nice too, the feeling of cuddling someone to bed again, despite the sore arm and very sore neck the day after. I have no idea why my neck hurts so much the next day! It's either because of my huge wakeboarding fall, or that I fell asleep in an awkward position. In any case, my neck hurts like crap now. I brought her to the best Bak Chor Mee stall in Singapore (to me anyways!), had lunch with Glen and Mel, and sent her home. The next time I am meeting her will probably be on Sunday, when I will be sending her to the airport for her flight back to Vietnam.

And the other person who came back into my life? It's none other than Jasmine. I can't really remember when or why we started contacting each other again, but we did. Same old Jasmine, still full of bullshit and randomness and energy. Apparently her very jealous boyfriend has banned her from meeting me, so we mostly just chat over the phone. We spent hours catching up on each other's lives, bitching about stuff and people, and just entertaining each other with random funny photos and jokes. It's like StarHub times all over again. Then her boyfriend went on an overseas trip, so she decided to come over to meet me, and we started hanging out for a few days again. It was nice hanging out with Jasmine again, her noisy, cheery, fiesty attitude always makes her someone fun to hang out with. We did have our moments in those few days, it did bring back some memories too, but this time, I don't find myself wanting to be back in a relationship with her anymore. She's now just yet another very good buddy to me, still someone I will drop whatever I am doing for, still someone who means a lot to me, but I just don't see myself getting back together with her again. Hell, it's not just her, I don't even seem to be actively seeking a relationship like I was in the past anymore. It's not that I don't want one, it's just that searching for one is pretty low on my list of priorties now. If the right one comes along, she comes along. My friends all seem pretty worried that Jasmine has come back into my life. All of them are afraid that I would get hurt again. Well, I know I wouldn't, but I'm still very touched that all of them are very protective of me.

The day came when our 10 days together drew to a close, and we knew that we would not be seeing each other for a very long time again. As we drove out of my house carpark towards the airport, I won't I felt a tinge of sadness that our time has come to an end. Again. I won't deny that memories of happier times came to me at that moment. The difference now is that I can see that she is not someone I will want to have as a lifelong partner, not the way she is now anyways. And I would say that I can control my emotions a lot better now. We reached the airport, and had a last smoke together(she is banned from smoking too, HA.). I gave her one final hug, and off she went.

Relationships, huh. Relationships really aren't the simple A+B equations they were when I was younger anymore. Lines are getting blurred, grey areas are getting bigger. Oh well, I am single now, so I am still allowed to have my complications hahaha. Still, I haven't given up on love. I still believe in the notion that one day I will find my B, and I will get swept off my feet again, as will she, and we will complete each other's A+B equation. After all, isn't that what life is all about? The day we fear to fall in love again, is the day we lose a very big part of what it means to be living.

Salonplas!

I just found my best friend, and he's awesome. Other than my OSIM massage chair, which I have come to treasure very much in recent weeks. The orgasmic face on Andy Lau's face as he uses this chair is not fake! I hope I can recover by tomorrow, because watching wakeboarding videos all day is not satisfying my craving very much. Its like the difference between watching porn and actually having sex. There's no competition really.

And speaking of sex, I just got dragged to a KTV once again 2 nights ago by my friends. I don't know why but people have a tendency to want to drag me to KTVs. It was the usual shit again. Girls are being brought in by the mamasan and being made to stand in a row while the guys picked their poison. It disgusts me, really, how these girls are being treated more like merchandise than girls. It's like a bunch of hungry men choosing which piece of prime cut meat they want for dinner. I have no idea how to explain to people that I REALLY hate the idea of commercialised love, intimacy, sex or whatever the fuck you wanna call it. Sometimes I think I am more of a girl than a guy. But in any case, it's just me, and I can't expect other people to subscribe to my mantra. Maybe this is how the world is after all. After trying valiantly to explain to the mamasan that I am actually gay and not interested in girls, I just sat back and had my beer. The only good thing about these outings is that everyone is usually too busy with their hands to drink, so most of the beer is mine muahaha. But yeah, fuck this place.

Ok enough ranting. Mel is saying my blog sounds damn emo. WA LAO EH. Ok lah, I'll admit it kinda is, but this is my ranting ground what! And actually looking back, YOURS TOO LEH. Just that its hidden behind profound (but pretty well-written) poems and stories. But I'll give it to her, this girl can write. I met Mel in the strangest of ways. In an underground carpark, no less. I was hopelessly lost and made a wrong turn into Bugis Junction's carpark and lo and behold, there she was in her big, white Mercedes blocking the whole driveway. My first thought was that she's yet another female driver who can't park her car to save her life, but it turned out that her car had broken down. Right when she was parking. What are the odds, honestly! So I helped her with her car, and she treated me to dinner. She's an interesting person, someone I can have a 'human brain' talk with, a car person with a good taste in cars (I know you're gonna hate me for this comment HAHA), and a pretty humorous person altogether. Visit her at www.melloke.com

Ok, enough random stuff for the night. Gotta rest enough for my wakeboarding tomorrow. Just one more random photo, shot by Clare on our last wakeboard session. You can literally see the fear in my face as I throw the handle in the knowledge of the impending doom that is about to befall me.

Being a spoilt kid again

Yea I feel like a spoilt kid all over again. I've been pampering myself with some pretty expensive stuff, namely my rims and my wakeboard.

I actually blew $2.3K of my pay this month just on luxuries, so I would say I am pretty broke. And it doesn't help that I just got retrenched, like, 3 days ago. So that makes me REALLY broke for the coming weeks. But do I really care? No! Okay, maybe a bit, but all in all, I would say I am still in pretty good spirits for someone who just lost his job. Why, I do not really know. I've changed since I came back from Australia, since I got over her, that I do know. Its like the first breath of fresh air you take after you almost drown. Breathing is normal and all, but once you lose that for so long, that first breath is such a relief, such a rush. And that is what I'm feeling now. I am high on life itself. Everything I want to do, I'll do it. Because worrying and thinking too much wasn't getting me anywhere. I asked a random girl for her number for the first time in my life last month(yes, its very surprising but true. I have never dared to). Sam was right, what did I have to lose? So I just asked, and I got it. Wasn't that hard, was it? I gained confidence, I asked another girl a few weeks later. I got rejected, but in the end, I could say I can pat myself on the back and told myself  'I tried', and I would rather that than asking myself what if I had tried, or why I wasn't confident enough too. I also went on the cable park for the first time ever. I had always wanted to try it, but didn't dare to. I was afraid to fall flat on my face, I was afraid of all the people looking at me. But this time, I just went ahead anyways.

And it felt good.

It feels good to conquer these fears, it feels good to be living my life. This is who I am. Because I am the kind who believes that your life is not measured by the number of breaths you take, but by the times which took your breath away. Because I am the one standing on the edge of the cliff in Albany because its just too damn awesome. That's why this month I will do everything Kelvin Lee wants, for he has been gone too long, and I miss him so. This month I will continue to spoil him, to make him happy. I'm not gonna lose him again.

But next month onwards, you better start finding a job, you bum!

Wakeboard and roof rack!

I finally got around to installing my roof rack a while back. And I got it for a measly $33! Its a bloody steal, considering that the bloody Thules and Yakimas cost between $300 to $XXX. And for all intents and purposes, my el cheapo roof rack actually serves its purpose well enough for me. But its cheap, and its from China, so obviously there were some fitment and quality issues, but nothing a bit of cursing and swearing and cutting and hammering wouldn't solve!

So voila, my not-very-aesthetically-pleasing roof rack is up. And to cover up its ugliness and china-ness, I slapped my awesome $800 wakeboard on it before I took a photo. NICE, RIGHT? Yes, I know I have a lot of space behind to put my wakeboard, but I don't want the wood to get wet everytime I come back from a wakeboarding session, hence the roof rack.

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Ok la, I shall admit. The main reason for the roof rack is because..... I JUST THINK IT LOOKS VERY NICE. Like all sporty and wakeboarder-dude and all. I think it just makes the whole van look more outdoor-ish and fun. Yes I am very vain, and that was a very poor attempt at describing the look, but you get the point! And at least my vainity is justified, so just shut it and swoon at my $33 China roof rack muahahaha.

Australia

Australia Australia, you never fail to blow me away and render me breath taken wit your supercalifragilisticexpialidocious-ness (yes, this word exists!) More on this next time as well, tata!

Intermission

Been away from here for far too long! It either means I've died or am keeping really busy. Well I am typing this now so its obviously not the former. So yes, I've been busy. Wakeboarding, cars, friends, work, businesses, Australia. Been too busy to really come here and write something. In a way, it's good, because this blog has kind of been an outlet for my emotions, but recently I have been feeling mostly nothing but happy. I've found myself again (:

But more on that next time, I will find a day to catch up on my life on this blog, but for now, I just have to share this. Presenting, the most awesome cooking show in this galaxy, Steven Reed!

Applause, ladies and gents, applause!

It was but a dream.

I dreamt she held my hand as we walked.

Whoa, what the hell was that. I have no idea really. They say our dreams are our innermost thoughts. I am hoping its just a random dream. Or I'm fucked.

Our story continued

Fast forward 3 years, and life was very much different for me. The rift between my ex-girlfriend and I was growing steadily, my love life was pretty much one big mess. Long story short, girl finds a new awesome computer game, guy feels neglected, starts spending late nights at workshop fixing his cars. Guy gets close with a girl, has an affair. One affair led to another, and another, and another and another, until he has his hands full and can barely manage his affairs and his own shitty life anymore. Granted, all my affairs knew they were affairs, but believe me, it isn't easy once emotions are involved. Not just theirs, but mine.

Then one fateful day, I was fixing my car when I received a call. The number looked really familiar, I just cannot seem to put a finger to it. I picked up, and heard that all-familiar voice. Turns out she and her boyfriend were in the area, and saw my van, and they decided to call me. We met up, and I saw her again after 3 long years. She still looked as beautiful as when I last saw her. And she's still the same old Jasmine. Bubbly, full of laughter, full of spunk, randomness and very lame jokes. It was just like old times, and we started hanging out again, albeit without my girlfriend. We caught up with each other's lives, and I told her about my complicated love life too. To me she is a very good friend, and I don't hide much from her.

We hardly spent any time truly alone together though. It was always with friends or her boyfriend. But still, I just enjoyed her company. Even at that time my friends were teasing at how close we were, making guesses on whether she will be my next affair. I told them it was impossible, but deep down, I really wished it was so.

Then there was that one night, I met up with her and 2 other friends for a drink while her boyfriend was at a wedding. The night went pretty normal, with some drinking and laughing amongst friends. Then it came the time to send her home, and we made our way towards home, just the two of us. Halfway through, I decided to stop at the roadside for a while, because the road ahead was prone to roadblocks. Ok that was bullshit, I just wanted an excuse to be with her a little longer. We talked for a while, and the topic came to whether I had liked her in the past. I admitted that I did, and still do. There was a long, awkward silence between us, and it was back to the same scene from 3 years ago again. My hand resting just millimeters away from hers, as I wondered if I should do anything. 

Except this time, I held her hand.

She didn't resist, she just reciprocated and held mine too. Despite the silence of the moment, there was a rising crescendo and explosion of feelings raging inside of me. This girl, the girl I had always wanted for 3 years, the girl who always makes me smile, the girl who makes me green with envy at her boyfriend. And here I am, beside her, holding her hand. She put her head on my shoulders, and snuggled up to me. She asked if we should be doing this at all, but I told her for tonight, I didn't want to care. Tonight is the night I had always dreamt of. I didn't want to think about the consequences, I didn't want to think about the future. Tonight, I just want this moment to last forever. Tonight, I just want you in my arms. And I did. She cuddled on my lap and lay her head on my chest as I stroked her hair, and we just stayed like this the whole night. The position was awkward, my legs were turning numb, but I didn't really take notice. I just didn't want to break this magical moment. It wasn't until daybreak that we were forced to leave and head home. The drive back was relatively quiet, as we held each others hand and drove, making a random comment or joke every now and then. I know there are a million unanswered questions and feelings going through her head, as was I.

The next day, I dropped her a 'good morning' text. That was it, the moment of truth. Will things be the same, or will they get awkward? After what seemed like an eternity, she replied 'good morning' with a smiley face. I heaved a sigh of relief.

Our affair started taking off from there. Sweet messages, rantings about our partners, random chitchats, long phonecalls throughout the day. My friends starting noticing things were different, how I was always on the phone with her, smiling to myself. How I am always finding her for lunch. How I am starting to drift away from my other affairs. We barely had time to meet alone, because of her protective boyfriend, but I will always sneak in a hug or a kiss when no one is looking. Our lunches always meant a lot to me. I would pick her up, have a quick lunch together, and we would just go somewhere to cuddle and talk. On the rare occasion we have time alone together at night, we would just spend it in each other's embrace, talking about anything and everything It was such a simple pleasure to me, just being with her. It was an affair, but to me it was like the first time I fell in love with a girl. Pure, beautiful, simple love. Such was our paradoxical relationship, it was everything so wrong, that felt so right. 

It was not something we could keep under wraps very long though. On hindsight, we weren't exactly hiding either. The way we talk, the way we sit so close to each other, the way we tease each other, all of them just scream 'affair'. I guess we just didn't really care anymore, maybe a part of us was just hoping that everything will blow up one day, and we will be left with each other. And it did. It was that night, things got ugly between her and her boyfriend. Her boyfriend apparently told my girlfriend all about me and my affairs too. I just went home to find all my things out in the living room. I didn't say much, and neither did she. There was nothing left to say that wouldn't hurt her further. There was no point either, whatever we had had fizzled out a year ago. My biggest mistake? Not letting go of her sooner. Because for the record, she was a really good and caring girlfriend. Perhaps her addiction to her computer games really did us in, maybe I was just finding an excuse for myself. Whatever it was, whatever we had was already gone a long time ago, despite my attempts to revive it, and I had should have let go of her a year go, because she deserves so much more than me and the shit I put her through. I had let her down, I know that. I just hope she has found someone who she deserves now.

So after a long night, there we were, with a van full of my stuff and hers. I guess you could say that was the start of our relationship then. Sounds wrong, doesn't it? Yes it does, because it is. Because our relationship was built on the basis of lies, betrayed trusts and broken hearts.

But that night, we finally had each other, and that was all that mattered to us then.