To have loved and lost

Better to have loved and lost,

Than never to have loved at all.

- Alfred Lord Tennyson

I'm definitely better now, I won't deny I still think of you, and I still miss you, but it doesn't hurt so bad anymore. I had a nice, long talk with a friend I haven't met in very long. We have only met twice before anyways, and the last 2 times, most of it is mostly spent talking about car stuff. Today though, the topic somehow came about to girls, and we started talking about our past relationships. Only today I noticed how much he is really like me, in terms of how we view matters of the heart. It's good to talk to someone like that, because somehow he knows exactly how I feel, and is kind of going through the same shit just a while back.

Looking back at the past year of my life, I would say a lot has changed, me included. Mundane relationships, physical affairs, emotional affairs, flings, one-night stands to falling in love and getting hurt, I had in all in the span of a year. People hearing of my story might probably think I'm an asshole. I wouldn't deny I am, I know there was a really good girl I hurt very much. There are a few who know each and every story behind every girl I had, who knew me more than what I appeared to be, who stood by me through good times and bad ones. I may not have known them for very long, I may be the butt of jokes about how I should be kept away from people's girlfriends and their daughters, but they are the people I'm really glad I found.

Would I say I regretted the choice I made? Despite what I am feeling now, I would say no. Because if I didn't, I would still be stuck in a relationship where feelings didn't exist anymore. I wouldn't have known how it feels like to love again, I wouldn't have these lovely memories. I would have lived my life wondering 'what if?'. I would never have known how it feels like to hold you in my arms. I would not have learnt so much about love and relationships. But if there's one painful lesson I have learnt, it's that I will never want to get into an affair again. Because now I know, that nothing good can ever come out of something built on mistrust, lies and cheating. No matter how beautiful it may have seemed, no matter how much I loved you in the end, no matter how much i had changed after I met you, the undeniable truth is that it all started on a wrong foundation, and one day it's bound to collapse.

I just wished we could have had a different beginning, and we would probably have had a different end. I wished the circumstances we had when we met were different. But I know now it is too late to wish, that bygones are bygones. There is no use regretting, I can just learn from my mistakes and move on and be a better person. The story of us is one I will never forget, one that will be close to my heart for a long, long time to come. To me it's still the most beautiful thing that had happened to me in the last 26 years of my life.

I told you I would contact you again one day when I feel I am ready to. I hope by then I can tell you that I found someone new, someone I want to make feel like the happiest girl on this planet again. Because I know that's what you want for me, and that you'll be happy for me like I'm happy for you now. Maybe, one day we can be friends again.