Depression

The little black van is annoying me more and more! Seems new and unseen problems are coming up then I have never heard of. My IU went kaput after the accident, which I have no idea why. My sound system started turning itself off, my wheel has a weird screeching sound, and my firewall CRACKED. Yes, cracked. Wtf, is that even possible? How can a bloody firewall crack?? So the end result is that my clutch now refuses to work properly, and I feel like I am driving a track car everyday. Even driving isn't fun anymore. Nothing is, actually. Playing games is a chore, talking to people on whatsapp is a chore, playing games is a chore, thinking of ways to fix my van is a chore, fixing my van is a chore, talking to people is a chore. Hell, even eating is a chore. I lost all apettite today, and I don't know why.

So what the hell is happening to me? I honestly don't know. Nothing seems to appeal to me anymore. I don't feel like doing anything. Nothing. Zilch. I just want to... sit there. Even talking to my friends is a chore, sometimes I reaaaaally feel like shutting off for a while, and have some peace. But it'll be rude, and my friends are going to think something is wrong again, and ask me why, but I really have no idea. My head is literally hurting now, just from trying to maintain a conversation with my friends at the workshop a while ago.  And that is making me irritable, very irritable. Every small thing irritates me now, I am snapping and throwing tantrums at everyone. It's getting too tiring to smile, so might as well be grumpy.

I am about to meet my friends now to play some computer games. But to be honest, I really do not feel like going. Because that too, is a chore. I wanna just continue sitting in my van curled up in a ball on my comfy seat and be alone for a while. A very long while. Maybe with a beer. But I know the direction I am heading. I do not want to fall down that bottomless pit. I do not want to sink into depression. So however sick of everything I am, I am going to continue doing things. I must. One day I hope I will look back and be grateful I didn't let myself fall into a worse state than this. But it's really tiring, I can't really put it in words how tiring it is, it's like dragging a really heavy baggage with me wherever I go, but much worse. But I've got to pull myself out of this, or it's just going to get from bad to worst.

Happiness huh. The one thing I always wanted, now seems so far out of my grasp. It feels foreign to me now, like I don't even know him anymore. That pot of gold at the end of the rainbow, that sight of land that just disappear across the horizon. I don't even know if I'm heading in the right direction to get it now, I don't even know if its still there. But at least in sure as hell not gonna just sit here and wait for it to fall on me.