Dream on little dreamer

Oh you, how I wish...

No.

Prawning, and our story

I finally went prawning after putting it off for so long! It was something we had always wanted to do when we will still together, but somehow had never found the time to. Armed with Sean's rod and secret recipe bait, I went into the prawning pond brimming with confidence, planning to settle tonight's dinner with the prawns I caught. And after 3 hours of prawning, I finally caught...

One prawn. ONE. Miserable prawn.

Wtf?? Woe is meeeee. Thankfully I don't prawn for a living, I would have starved by now. Evon was just beside me, catching prawn after prawn, as I sat pitifully looking at my float that wouldn't even sink. She tried hooking my bait for me, in case I really sucked at hooking baits, but to no avail, I still failed to catch any more prawns. I think I'm just damn suay that day la. For the record, I went back on Thursday to try again, and managed to get 7. So, UP YOURS PRAWN. Overall, I enjoyed the experience. It was like a milder form of fishing, with a lot less patience needed. I had never prawned before, but this particular prawning pond has a particular significance to me. Because this is where the first part of our story ended 3 years ago. It brought back memories of happier times, times when she wasn't mine, but we were just happy being friends.

It all began when I was selling a pair of headlights for my old car. A guy called Shawn contacted me, and we met to do the trade. First thing that came to my mind when I saw her stepping out of the car was 'Daaaaamn, this girl is pretty darn cute.' She had a petite frame, long flowing hair, a really sweet face and an even sweeter smile. And yes, I will admit, I was pretty attracted to her ass as well. We started chatting; me, her, her then-boyfriend Shawn, and my then-girlfriend. In no time at all, I found myself very attracted to her. She had this bubbly, carefree personality, this playfulness and this quirkiness to her. She shared my strange sense of humor, which to some people might seem pretty lame, but we still always seem to understand each other's jokes anyways. The four of us started hanging out more often, and I always looked forward to her company. To me she was always just the awesome girl to hang out with, nothing more. I do think sometimes about how nice it would be if we were together as a couple, but never really believed it possible. We were both attached in pretty stable relationships then, so I didn't really allow the thought to take root.

Then I landed a job at Starhub, and roped her in, together with my then-girlfriend. From then, our friendship really blossomed. We spent work days laughing and chatting with each other, running off for smoke breaks together, skiving together. She would occasionally come to my table and smack me on the head with a cushion, and we would have a mini pillow fight in the middle of the office. I really liked how she always fusses over everyone, asking if they are hungry and want a biscuit or a cookie or a random tidbit that she always has to share. We grew really close, working together and hanging out after work at Shawn's place. Naturally, my then-girlfriend got jealous, blew her top, and I distanced myself from Jasmine ever since. Things started getting awkward, and I also stopped fetching her to and from work. I didn't want to believe it, but I really missed her laughter in those few weeks. It was then I realized, I had fallen in love with her.

After a few months, it was her finally her last day at work in Starhub. Which, coincidentally, was the day my then-girlfriend called in sick. And so, I had the opportunity to talk to her again. She told me she knew what was going on, and that she understands. It's just too bad that we will not be able to remain friends. I fetched her to find Shawn after work, and it was to this fateful prawning pond. I remember that being one of the longest drive I had ever taken. I took the long way there, and drove extremely slowly all the way. I didn't want the drive to end. We still had so much to tell each other, so much to catch up on. As we were nearing the prawning pond, our hands touched. By accident or not, I really do not know. My hand was on my gear knob, and hers resting nearby. My hand remained there a little too long, before I shifted it away. There was a long silence between us. We both knew that are a million thoughts running through each of our heads. For me, it was this overwhelming temptation to hold her hand, tell her what I feel about her. Because I know i will probably never see her again. But on the other hand, I had a girlfriend, and it just wasn't right. Finally, we reached the place, but she didn't get off immediately. She just sat there, as if waiting for me to say what I am struggling not to. Finally, I decided to just leave her with a goodbye. We exchanged farewells, and she walked off. As I watched her disappear amongst the crowd, I kept wondering if I should have said what I wanted to. Was I already starting to regret? And just like this, we disappeared from each other lives for the next 3 years. I still think about her occasionally, still wonder about what if things were different, but I never imagined that she would be a part of my life again 3 years later.

Depression

The little black van is annoying me more and more! Seems new and unseen problems are coming up then I have never heard of. My IU went kaput after the accident, which I have no idea why. My sound system started turning itself off, my wheel has a weird screeching sound, and my firewall CRACKED. Yes, cracked. Wtf, is that even possible? How can a bloody firewall crack?? So the end result is that my clutch now refuses to work properly, and I feel like I am driving a track car everyday. Even driving isn't fun anymore. Nothing is, actually. Playing games is a chore, talking to people on whatsapp is a chore, playing games is a chore, thinking of ways to fix my van is a chore, fixing my van is a chore, talking to people is a chore. Hell, even eating is a chore. I lost all apettite today, and I don't know why.

So what the hell is happening to me? I honestly don't know. Nothing seems to appeal to me anymore. I don't feel like doing anything. Nothing. Zilch. I just want to... sit there. Even talking to my friends is a chore, sometimes I reaaaaally feel like shutting off for a while, and have some peace. But it'll be rude, and my friends are going to think something is wrong again, and ask me why, but I really have no idea. My head is literally hurting now, just from trying to maintain a conversation with my friends at the workshop a while ago.  And that is making me irritable, very irritable. Every small thing irritates me now, I am snapping and throwing tantrums at everyone. It's getting too tiring to smile, so might as well be grumpy.

I am about to meet my friends now to play some computer games. But to be honest, I really do not feel like going. Because that too, is a chore. I wanna just continue sitting in my van curled up in a ball on my comfy seat and be alone for a while. A very long while. Maybe with a beer. But I know the direction I am heading. I do not want to fall down that bottomless pit. I do not want to sink into depression. So however sick of everything I am, I am going to continue doing things. I must. One day I hope I will look back and be grateful I didn't let myself fall into a worse state than this. But it's really tiring, I can't really put it in words how tiring it is, it's like dragging a really heavy baggage with me wherever I go, but much worse. But I've got to pull myself out of this, or it's just going to get from bad to worst.

Happiness huh. The one thing I always wanted, now seems so far out of my grasp. It feels foreign to me now, like I don't even know him anymore. That pot of gold at the end of the rainbow, that sight of land that just disappear across the horizon. I don't even know if I'm heading in the right direction to get it now, I don't even know if its still there. But at least in sure as hell not gonna just sit here and wait for it to fall on me.

To have loved and lost

Better to have loved and lost,

Than never to have loved at all.

- Alfred Lord Tennyson

I'm definitely better now, I won't deny I still think of you, and I still miss you, but it doesn't hurt so bad anymore. I had a nice, long talk with a friend I haven't met in very long. We have only met twice before anyways, and the last 2 times, most of it is mostly spent talking about car stuff. Today though, the topic somehow came about to girls, and we started talking about our past relationships. Only today I noticed how much he is really like me, in terms of how we view matters of the heart. It's good to talk to someone like that, because somehow he knows exactly how I feel, and is kind of going through the same shit just a while back.

Looking back at the past year of my life, I would say a lot has changed, me included. Mundane relationships, physical affairs, emotional affairs, flings, one-night stands to falling in love and getting hurt, I had in all in the span of a year. People hearing of my story might probably think I'm an asshole. I wouldn't deny I am, I know there was a really good girl I hurt very much. There are a few who know each and every story behind every girl I had, who knew me more than what I appeared to be, who stood by me through good times and bad ones. I may not have known them for very long, I may be the butt of jokes about how I should be kept away from people's girlfriends and their daughters, but they are the people I'm really glad I found.

Would I say I regretted the choice I made? Despite what I am feeling now, I would say no. Because if I didn't, I would still be stuck in a relationship where feelings didn't exist anymore. I wouldn't have known how it feels like to love again, I wouldn't have these lovely memories. I would have lived my life wondering 'what if?'. I would never have known how it feels like to hold you in my arms. I would not have learnt so much about love and relationships. But if there's one painful lesson I have learnt, it's that I will never want to get into an affair again. Because now I know, that nothing good can ever come out of something built on mistrust, lies and cheating. No matter how beautiful it may have seemed, no matter how much I loved you in the end, no matter how much i had changed after I met you, the undeniable truth is that it all started on a wrong foundation, and one day it's bound to collapse.

I just wished we could have had a different beginning, and we would probably have had a different end. I wished the circumstances we had when we met were different. But I know now it is too late to wish, that bygones are bygones. There is no use regretting, I can just learn from my mistakes and move on and be a better person. The story of us is one I will never forget, one that will be close to my heart for a long, long time to come. To me it's still the most beautiful thing that had happened to me in the last 26 years of my life.

I told you I would contact you again one day when I feel I am ready to. I hope by then I can tell you that I found someone new, someone I want to make feel like the happiest girl on this planet again. Because I know that's what you want for me, and that you'll be happy for me like I'm happy for you now. Maybe, one day we can be friends again.

Memories.

I can't believe how weak I have become. A single trip to my old workplace, the place we first started getting close, the place we had so many great times together, the place I fell for her, and I started feeling shitty all over again. It's been months since our breakup. I need to wake up. Now.

Poison.

Honestly sometimes I don't know what's going through my head. All these thoughts, feelings. Some I know are wrong, but sometimes things just feel right. Maybe Samuel is right, that I should try acting against my feelings sometime. Because I am sometimes too idealistic for my own good. I need a bit more realism. The world doesn't revolve around how I feel. Sam had always been like a dad to me, even though I had not known him for very long. He's the opposite of me, he approaches things with a very logical point of view, and as a result he always gives me pretty good advice. He's also always helping me out when I'm dirt broke, always the one to discuss crazy car ideas and girl stuff with. He's someone I really enjoy hanging out with, so I can say I am really glad to have him in my life. I really don't think I should be looking to be in a relationship anytime soon. Get back on my feet, get my life in order first. Make myself a better person before I start thinking about anything else.

But I know, the seeds of poison have already taken root in my mind.

They had been all along. Dormant. Waiting.

But my thoughts are feeding them now.

And I know that if I do not suppress them,

I will be making the same mistake I had been all my life.

And nothing beautiful can ever blossom,

out of the seeds of poison.

Of cars and friends.

It's been a long night, but my van is finally almost ready. Fixed a few more wiring annoyances here and there and managed to get my lights working right too. And then I realised, that my new intercooler setup is able to clear a stock bumper. For those who think I'm speaking alien, basically it just means I do not have to cut ugly holes in my bumper just to fit my intercooler anymore. Woohoo? NO. Apparently, my mechanic Mark had already cut my bumper, and he gave me the dark stare of doom as I put forth ever so subtly the suggestion that I wanted to change bumper. I know for a fact he spent the whole afternoon cutting my bumper but aiyaaaa, I can be very anal when I want to. The two gaping holes staring back at me just annoyed me more and more the more I look at them.

Then Samuel offered to give me his bumper, because he says he doesn't mind an ugly bumper. I refused, because I am definitely not going to let him live with an ugly bumper just because I want a nice one. Glen also offered to give me his bumper, because he also doesn't mind a cut up bumper. I refused too, but it's just nice knowing that my friends are willing to do that for me. I am really thankful to have found these bunch of friends. They are people I know I can depend on to help me whenever I need them to, as will I for them. They are the ones who stood by me through my worst periods when I was down and depressed. They will always help me pay for stuff when they know I'm piss broke, and never said a thing about it. You guys and girls are awesome (:

And one thing me and the guys have in common, is our passion for cars. Not in the typical Singaporean sense, simply throwing money at workshops and enjoying the results they get thereafter. We are the kind who will spend hours working on our own cars, fixing and improving them, learning about them inside out. We can have hours of geeky talk about how things work, and improvising ideas to achieve the results we want. That's why all of our cars we can be truly proud of, because we know that we built them through hard work, sweat and tears. There's a very different satisfaction you derive from building a car with your own effort, versus paying someone to do everything. It's rare to find people like us in Singapore, so I would say I am pretty lucky to have found friends like this too. That is what brought us together at first, and that is one of the things that continues to bond us together.

Anyways, I really should be getting to sleep. Till next time!