I got bored and....

I told Sam I was gonna challenge my own photoshop skills. So in 5 mins, I came up with....

MUAHAHAHA. I feel like a retard now. That has got to be the highest wake jump in human history. Ok back to work folks, tata.

Better, faster, stronger!

Went for a wakeboarding session with Clare, Leon and Sarah today. I got spotted by my angry teacher not installing my fins again, so I sheepishly went to install them after her death stare. I know it's easier to ride with fins, but I like the loose feeling of a finless board, and honestly I like the added difficulty. I like the challenge.

Anyways we rode from 2pm in the afternoon till 7.30pm. I wakeboarded twice and wakesurfed once, and I AM DYING. I have can barely lift my arms, and I couldn't sit up from a lying position just now after lying on the bed for a while. I feel like an old man can! And today, I really felt I was reaching the limits of what I can do unless I get fitter. I couldn't keep my handle low after a few runs, and I just didn't have the strength to push against the wake anymore. I need to get better, faster and stronger. And fast!

Today Clare took a photo for me, I would say my pop has improved since I first wakeboarded eh! Definitely not Shaun Murray standard yet, but I'm happy with the progress!

Good, but never great.

I was reading an article today on www.elitedaily.com, and it spoke about people who "are good, but never great". The author was refering to a particular group of people, who are "reasonably intelligent, but sometimes struggle with laziness and internal motivation". That piqued my interest instantly, and I read on. And I realised how relatable I found his article in my life.

I had always been the smart kid, the one who sees things different from other people, the one who does relatively well in IQ tests, the one who learns things at amazing rates. Sam noticed this about me too, he said he had only seen one other person who learnt things at such a fast rate, and he HAS seen a lot. That made me think back to since I was a kid, and that was when I realised it was pretty true. As a kid I picked up things extremely fast, especially things that I loved. I had always gotten full marks for my maths tests. I learnt to swim and cycle in a day. I fell in love with spiders and reptiles as a kid, and within a week I could draw out the entire anatomy of a tarantula including labels of every single part off the back of my head. In a month I could rattle off more scientific names of spiders than I had thought possible. I picked up remote control cars soon after, and within a month I was the one of the fastest kids at the track. With a stock motor. Then I got interested in explosives, and after a week of studying the Anarchist's Cookbook, I was making impact mixtures and nitroglycerin with my crazy Indian friend. Everything I tried, I picked it up almost right away.
Even as an adult, I fell in love with cars. When I bought my first diesel, I didn't even know diesels had no spark plugs. Today, my mechanic calls me for help on diesel-related issues. I tried ice-skating, and within 2 hours I was skating around the rink, albeit very clumsily. I managed to worm my way into a multinational corporation as a network engineer, and managed to convince everyone I knew what I was doing, when I actually did not even know how to add a new user to Windows when I first joined. I just acted like I knew everything and learnt on-the-go.

But until today, I look back and see that I haven't achieved anything I can be proud of. I was a jack of all trades, but master of none. I flunked junior college, went to a polytechnic, and flunk that too. I do not exactly have any work experience or skills that will bring me far in life. I still haven't found my calling, I'm still without savings or prospects. None of my hobbies I can exactly say I am an expert at, I'm just good. In short, I'm useless now. Seth Borkowski mentioned in his article, that awesome feeling of when you know everyone studied their asses off, but you just saunter in without having studied for the test but yet you just nailed it. Yes it's a damn good feeling alright, and it makes everyone look at you green with envy. And it reinforces the concept of invincibility, that you can not work hard and still be good at everything. That was what I had. My swan song was my 'O' levels, where I just fooled around for the entire year, and crammed everything in a month before the exams. And I did pretty well. But it all went downhill from there, because in junior college it wasn't all about concepts and understanding. Hard work had to be put in, you had to listen in lectures and memorise things. And that is where I failed. Badly. Because I had always believed I was "smart", and that I could get by with minimal effort, and that was impressive. I never saw the need to work for what I wanted, and that was why I failed.

I feel I had never followed through with anything in my life. I loved it when people stare in awe as I pick things up faster than anyone they have seen. But to get better at anything, you need hard work, you need practice, you need the drive to improve. And I didn't.

Firstly, I didn't want anyone to see me put in hard work. I was afraid at sucking at something. I didn't want people to think of me as someone who is pretty good at something because he really worked his ass off for it. I wanted people to remember me as the genius who "got it the first time round". And once I achieved that status, I stopped. Because I was afraid. I feared if I continued putting in effort and didn't improve as much, I would lose my "genius" status. So I would stop, and leave it at that. So you can say I have never failed at anything, but I have never succeeded either.

Secondly, it was just pure laziness. I was always used to getting so much for so little, I didn't want to put in anymore than a little. Because to me a little was always enough, anymore is just a waste of my time. I never had the self-motivation to push myself to accomplish more through hard work. It's only when I am forced to, I shine. I did well in school because my parents forced me to study. When I was conscripted into the army I was the sharpest shot, both with a rifle and with a tank. Because I was forced to. Even physically, I grew faster than others. I became the fastest runner in my battalion because I was forced to. I could strip weapons faster than most people. Again, because I was forced to. And when you take away that external drive, I fall. Because I just couldn't be arsed to drive myself.

Like Seth wrote, I always felt I was the "hidden genius", that I was meant for greater things in life, that I was just unappreciated and just needed the time to shine. But that couldn't be further from the truth. Because it has been 26 years, and the time never came. I never shone, not because my time never came, but because I have never created that time. I had been lying to myself, that greatness will just fall into my lap because I am smart. But that will never happen. Because if you never get up on your ass and do something, you will never get anywhere. You may have an all-out race car, but you will never win if you're just gonna leave it parked. I was never going to be anyone special if I didn't at least try to.

I would say I have changed a lot since then. It's not easy to get out of my lazy bones, but I'm trying. When you've been bumming for the past 26 years of your life, it's really hard to get back on track. I still get my lazy moments, moments when I want to stop, or just slow down for a while. But I force myself to get back on my feet. Running my own business now has never been a better lesson for me. Because there is no one up there to holler at you, to make you do your job. You're your own boss, your own worker, your own slave. It takes a lot of discipline (for lazy me anyways) to make sure I stay on task, but so far I think I'm doing fine. I'm also determined to get fitter, and get better at wakeboarding. This time, I want to prove not to anyone else, but myself what I can do if I set my mind to it.

So hopefully, one day I can be someone I can be proud of. Someday I want to look back at my life and be glad that I had woken up from that state of inertness I was in.

Pain pain pain

Yes I'm in great pain. Yesterday I went for my usual jog and think I overdid some exercises, I could barely get out of bed today. I think its a age thing. I used to be able to do shit like this when I was 18 and would recover the very next day. I feel old gosh. Still, I think it isn't enough, I still feel terribly unfit and very out of shape. I need to get fitter for my wakeboarding!!

Which brings me to my next point. I finally got some proper air on Monday! Went wakeboarding with the usual loud-mouthed Clare and another girl called Adrianne. Clare told me Adrianne had to go for 4 lessons before she even learnt to get up on the board. But far from thinking she's lousy at this, I really respected her determination and perseverance to do what she set out on doing. Most people stop trying if they fail to get up even on the first lesson. So in a way, Adrianne was an inspiration for me that I can achieve what I set out to do if I really wanted it. That lesson I consistently tried my wakejumps. Still falling here and there, and height was still pitiful, but my landings were getting there. This time I went for 3 sets instead of my usual 2, and by the time the last set was done, I was landing my small jumps pretty well, but still wasn't getting much height. 

And so I decided to give it one last go, and signalled to Clare that I wanted to try again. She gave me an evil stare and told me she wants to eat, but I know she will still let me have my last set haha. This time, I decided to follow my motto of  'fuck it and huck it', and went in all guns blazing. This usually ends with a spectacular crash, but this time, I felt myself pop clean off the wake, I heard cheering from the girls, and BAM. I landed it clean. The feeling was awesome! Tried again and once again, another good jump and clean landing. By this time I saw Adrianne taking out her camera, so I went at it again and.... landed flat on my face. Nooooooo, the only video that Adrianne took and I didnt pull it off. But still, I really felt a sense of accomplishment that day. I would have wanted to go again, but I think Clare would strangle me with the rope and leave me to die in the sea. So we packed up and headed to dinner together. Overall though, it was another awesome day! This pursuit of progression, as Danny Harf says it, is what keeps me going.

Anyways, dinner with a friend's sister that day, and she just randomly mentioned me and the girl, we look like we made a really good couple. I tried not to think too much into it, but it still put a smile on my face all the same. Sam gave me the death stare but I persisted. Let me be happy for a while la! Joycelyn did mention it before too, that I do look at her in 'that way', and she feels we seem good together, it's just that she never brought it up to me. Everytime people say stuff like these to me, I guess I have to admit I get a little hopeful. But still, I don't think anything will or should ever happen between us. It's just a feeling I will hide inside and hope will fade in time to come.

Something like that happened after my breakup with Jasmine too. Jas and I brought Pika to the vet because he had an eye infection, and while smoking outside while waiting for Jas, I struck up a conversation with this lawyer who was waiting for his pet too. I mentioned in our conversation that Jas was my friend, and he asked me if she was my girlfriend. I told him no, and that we once were a couple but are just friends now. He said it was a shame, that we looked good together, and he could see that I cared a lot for her. He insisted that he could convince her that we make a good couple (lawyers, really!), but I told him I am happy just being friends. On his way in, he told Jasmine, " Your boyfriend is waiting outside." Jasmine maintained that I was not her boyfriend, but he said, " I think he is, so he is. You guys really look like a good couple." Haha. He's a strange person, but what he said still made me a little happy inside.

Sometimes I wonder why I always end up loving someone I shouldn't. Oh well, maybe one day, another 'girl of my dreams' (who is SINGLE) will saunter into my life, sweep me off my feet and we will live happily ever after. Sam is gonna smack me in the head for being idealistic if he reads this, but still, I believe it will happen one day. For now, it's time to jog! I wanna get fitter faster!

Starting my own business

So I'm starting my own business with Sam now, a small site called 32deg.com. It's really tiring, I'm basically stuck to my computer day in day out. Or maybe I've just been too used to working jobs that basically pay me to sit around and scratch my butt haha. But I enjoy it, because everything I do, every hour I spend, I know it is for my own business, and ultimately my own money. Sure beats working for another boss, where you know that no matter how hard you work, the moolah is gonna end up in his pocket anyways. So tiring as it is, I always find the motivation to press on. But at this moment I am on the verge of strangling those damn China people. Whoever the idiot is who renamed all the Volkswagen cars in China deserves a good kick in the nuts.

Anyways, me and Sam were talking about dreams, and I just realised: I haven't dreamt in a damn long time! I used to dream almost every night, mostly senseless, exciting dreams that involve me breaking into high security compounds and trying to avoid detection (don't ask me why, I have no idea HAHA). But recently, I don't remember having much dreams. Sam thinks it's because I'm too tired, but I would say I had periods in my life I had much less sleep than I do now, but I still dream, so that theory is null and void. I'm hazarding a guess that the more I have on my mind, the more I dream. That's why recently, being happy and lalala and all, I'm not dreaming much, just having a nice sweet sleep. That's just a theory, but I'm half-hoping its true haha. The few dreams I DO remember having though, are related to her. The girl. I had this dream where I finally held her hand, it just felt so real, I actually felt kinda disappointed when I woke up. But nope, me and her can and will never happen, so I'm just pushing it to the back of my head for now. For now it's wakeboard, work, wakeboard, work, wakeboard somemore. Life is good (:

And speaking of wakeboarding, I wakesurfed for the first time yesterday! Ok I kinda sucked at it, but it was still pretty fun. And a much less strain on my poor aching muscles than wakeboarding. So from now on, you can call me surfer dude, thanksyewvehmuch. Muahahaha.

Papa Sam

Had a talk with Sam today, I always enjoy talks with Sam, not just because he's intelligent and there are things I can learn from him, but because of the things he's seen and done, he can always offer a different perspective to how I look at things. He's also very bluntly honest, and will say things that people normally wouldn't say, but things that everyone will know it's true. And because of his blunt honesty, I always feel that I can be honest with him too, and its always nice to have a conversation where you have nothing to hide. There are few things that he says that I feel I can refute. We are different in so many ways, in fact I can say we are almost exact opposites, but yet we are able to discuss things from each other's point of view, and very happily agree to disagree. Conversations with him always set me thinking.

Still, I maintain that I wouldn't want to be like him one day, but there are many things I can learn from him. His is a friendship that lets me realise that it isn't always the people who are like you that you end up being best friends with.

Oh, and just for bragging rights, I took my IQ test and got 146, which puts me in the rank of Genius hahahaha. Still lower than his, and I tried playing cheat by doing the test again in double-quick time, but only managed to get it up to 148. Whhhhhhy. Y I NOT SUPER GENIUS??

First wake jump!

Ok. Ahem. Shall I now proudly announce, that today.... I did my first proper wake jump! Like, a proper, pop-off-the-wake wake jump. Not a feebly cross wake at high speed and get an inch of air before crashing violently kind of wake jump. I know it's not much, so shusssssh. It's a personal achievement. I will look back on this post one day when I am doing whirlybirds and laugh at my own retardness, but for now, thou shalt bask in the glory of my little wake jump.

Met a girl today, I can't remember her name, but she's the chattiest girl I have met in a long time. She can just go on and on and on and on about everything and anything in an extremely fast and chirpy tone. No it's not a bad thing, I really think people like this just brightens your whole day.

So overall, it's a good day at wakeboarding today! Shame I don't have a picture of my achievement. You wouldn't have seen much anyways, I would just have appeared as a dot in the sky. HAHA.