And since this started as an emo blog, what's an emo blog without an emo post!
So there is this girl, someone who I have taken a liking to since a couple of years back. I had told Jasmine before that if that girl was single, she would have been the only girl I would have bothered chasing after. Sadly, as my life's luck would have it, she is happily attached for more than 7 years.
She just feels like everything I've ever wanted. We enjoy many of the same hobbies, we share the same view on many things, and she's just an awesome, badass, strong-charactered, humorous ball of sunshine. She's someone I can be myself around, rattle off stupid things that cross my mind, do stupid things that I love to do, because she is very much like me, and she just has this awesome open mind about everything.
I find myself falling for her more everytime we spend time together, but I tell myself to keep my distance. Because I know where this will end up, and I do not wish to lose her as a friend. So I just content with being a good friend of hers, and wishing her all the best in her life.
Well, today I went to her house to cook together, and while walking the dog, she told me that she was getting a flat soon with her boyfriend. Well, I'm just a friend, I'm not supposed to feel anything about it. I mean, what did I expect? That's just what is going to happen sooner or later. Maybe I just had a glimmer of hope that they would have broken up. It's an evil and selfish thought, and I hate myself for feeling that way. So I guess I should be happy for her.
But right now, it doesn't feel very good at all.
Friday, November 13, 2015
Reborn
Hello blog, and the few random viewers I have from all around the planet. Surprise, I am not dead yet!
Decided to look through this old blog, and I really surprise myself with how much I had changed over the last 1-2 years.
To make a long story short, I think I am really proud of the person I have become! From that emo little shit when I started this blog, I finally feel that I had found myself again. To be honest, after my last breakup, I was feeling really lonely, worried about if I'm ever gonna find the girl of my dreams, basically wallowing in the whole "being single sucks" mentality. I always thought that people who say being single isn't thaaaaaat bad are just patronising fucks. Of course la, you're happily in your loving relationship, and I'm the poor single guy you pity and are trying to make feel better.
But slowly, I started to do things for ME (duh, I know. I'm single, not for me then who else?!). I started looking after my body, started improving myself, started to find little enjoyments in life I can do to make myself happy. And guess what? I am fucking happy. Like, really. I love seeing the improvements in myself, whether it is my work, my mindset, or my body. I start to find the values that I hold true to myself, start to realise what kind of a person I am. I push myself beyond my limits of what I think I can do. I am really starting to love myself more and more. Narcisstic as that may sound, I truly understand now the quotes that I read about loving yourself before loving someone else, about being a complete person before becoming part of a couple.
I really do not know how to describe properly this feeling I am having now, but I feel free. I feel confident. Powerful. Happier than I ever did before. I used to get all jealous of people in relationships, now I find myself happy that I am not in 90% of those relationshits. I find myself glad I am not stuck in that rut where people seem to cling on to relationships that are so obviously out of whack. I see people settle for less than what they deserve just for the sake of being in a relationship, when they are obviously better off alone.
In short, I'm on a high! I'm being carefree and smiling and feeling like nothing can get me down, because nothing really can get me down now. I finally no longer feel like a lost piece of driftwood drifting around in the open sea, being affected by the waves and weather and looking for another piece of driftwood to float around with. I feel like a fucking shark now. Owning myself and my life, heading straight towards where I wanna go. Ok lame metaphor, but whatever la. I am lame, deal with it.
So with regards to the new, awesome me, I think I am beginning to see many things more clearly, more objectively, more maturely. Knn, I sound like a 16 year old going through puberty. I'm a late bloomer la, but guess what? I'm happier this way. I may update more stuff on topics that cross my mind on this blog, maybe someday I will look back again and be surprised how much I have changed again. Or not.
Decided to look through this old blog, and I really surprise myself with how much I had changed over the last 1-2 years.
To make a long story short, I think I am really proud of the person I have become! From that emo little shit when I started this blog, I finally feel that I had found myself again. To be honest, after my last breakup, I was feeling really lonely, worried about if I'm ever gonna find the girl of my dreams, basically wallowing in the whole "being single sucks" mentality. I always thought that people who say being single isn't thaaaaaat bad are just patronising fucks. Of course la, you're happily in your loving relationship, and I'm the poor single guy you pity and are trying to make feel better.
But slowly, I started to do things for ME (duh, I know. I'm single, not for me then who else?!). I started looking after my body, started improving myself, started to find little enjoyments in life I can do to make myself happy. And guess what? I am fucking happy. Like, really. I love seeing the improvements in myself, whether it is my work, my mindset, or my body. I start to find the values that I hold true to myself, start to realise what kind of a person I am. I push myself beyond my limits of what I think I can do. I am really starting to love myself more and more. Narcisstic as that may sound, I truly understand now the quotes that I read about loving yourself before loving someone else, about being a complete person before becoming part of a couple.
I really do not know how to describe properly this feeling I am having now, but I feel free. I feel confident. Powerful. Happier than I ever did before. I used to get all jealous of people in relationships, now I find myself happy that I am not in 90% of those relationshits. I find myself glad I am not stuck in that rut where people seem to cling on to relationships that are so obviously out of whack. I see people settle for less than what they deserve just for the sake of being in a relationship, when they are obviously better off alone.
In short, I'm on a high! I'm being carefree and smiling and feeling like nothing can get me down, because nothing really can get me down now. I finally no longer feel like a lost piece of driftwood drifting around in the open sea, being affected by the waves and weather and looking for another piece of driftwood to float around with. I feel like a fucking shark now. Owning myself and my life, heading straight towards where I wanna go. Ok lame metaphor, but whatever la. I am lame, deal with it.
So with regards to the new, awesome me, I think I am beginning to see many things more clearly, more objectively, more maturely. Knn, I sound like a 16 year old going through puberty. I'm a late bloomer la, but guess what? I'm happier this way. I may update more stuff on topics that cross my mind on this blog, maybe someday I will look back again and be surprised how much I have changed again. Or not.
Friday, April 3, 2015
I'm not dead yet!
Nope I'm still very much alive. I've just been very busy. And life is getting better now so there's not much to write in this emo blog.
Fitness-wise, I'm getting there! Yes, proud to say that I haven't given up yet, despite the myriad of injuries I had gotten myself. I'm getting big (and fatter), but that's I want now. To get big. And strong. And all hulky and all. Then cut the fats and voila, dream body achieved. I make it sound easy I know, but really, losing weight is bloody easy, it gaining weight that is hard for me. Jasmine boosted my ego that day when she was over at my place and commented on how big I looked.
And nope, I'm not together with Jasmine. We're really just BFFs now, and she's the one girl I can share everything with. There's nothing I feel awkward about sharing with her really. That day when she came over though, I gave her a massage. The massage started becoming a little close for comfort as my hands started sliding close to her boobs, and my package was basically up against her very awesome butt.
But then I stopped, and told her that if I carried on I'm probably gonna rape her there and then. Yes I do miss the sex very much, but right now I value our friendship more than my own horny needs. And it's strange how we can still talk about it after that and she telling me I have to just to jerk it off. Haha yes, we are THAT comfortable with each other now.
The reason I'm back writing this now is actually because of some strange, crazy feelings I have inside about a good friend of mine. It's developing into something really strong, and I just thought it would be a good idea to pen it down here before I drive myself mad. But as of now I can't really find a way to put it down in words, so that's for another time. Jasmine and Mark, my mechanic, are the only ones who knows about my feelings for this girl. Mark seems to think we're really good together, but it doesn't override the fact that she's in stable relationship for 7 years. Yes, again. Falling for an attached girl. Sucks to be me I know. Jasmine thinks I'm gonna drive myself crazy thinking about her. I know I am, but damn I can't help it. GAWD.
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