Emo post

And since this started as an emo blog, what's an emo blog without an emo post!

So there is this girl, someone who I have taken a liking to since a couple of years back. I had told Jasmine before that if that girl was single, she would have been the only girl I would have bothered chasing after. Sadly, as my life's luck would have it, she is happily attached for more than 7 years.

She just feels like everything I've ever wanted. We enjoy many of the same hobbies, we share the same view on many things, and she's just an awesome, badass, strong-charactered, humorous ball of sunshine. She's someone I can be myself around, rattle off stupid things that cross my mind, do stupid things that I love to do, because she is very much like me, and she just has this awesome open mind about everything.

I find myself falling for her more everytime we spend time together, but I tell myself to keep my distance. Because I know where this will end up, and I do not wish to lose her as a friend. So I just content with being a good friend of hers, and wishing her all the best in her life.

Well, today I went to her house to cook together, and while walking the dog, she told me that she was getting a flat soon with her boyfriend. Well, I'm just a friend, I'm not supposed to feel anything about it. I mean, what did I expect? That's just what is going to happen sooner or later. Maybe I just had a glimmer of hope that they would have broken up. It's an evil and selfish thought, and I hate myself for feeling that way. So I guess I should be happy for her.

But right now, it doesn't feel very good at all.

Reborn

Hello blog, and the few random viewers I have from all around the planet. Surprise, I am not dead yet!

Decided to look through this old blog, and I really surprise myself with how much I had changed over the last 1-2 years.

To make a long story short, I think I am really proud of the person I have become! From that emo little shit when I started this blog, I finally feel that I had found myself again. To be honest, after my last breakup, I was feeling really lonely, worried about if I'm ever gonna find the girl of my dreams, basically wallowing in the whole "being single sucks" mentality. I always thought that people who say being single isn't thaaaaaat bad are just patronising fucks. Of course la, you're happily in your loving relationship, and I'm the poor single guy you pity and are trying to make feel better.

But slowly, I started to do things for ME (duh, I know. I'm single, not for me then who else?!). I started looking after my body, started improving myself, started to find little enjoyments in life I can do to make myself happy. And guess what? I am fucking happy. Like, really. I love seeing the improvements in myself, whether it is my work, my mindset, or my body. I start to find the values that I hold true to myself, start to realise what kind of a person I am. I push myself beyond my limits of what I think I can do. I am really starting to love myself more and more. Narcisstic as that may sound, I truly understand now the quotes that I read about loving yourself before loving someone else, about being a complete person before becoming part of a couple.

I really do not know how to describe properly this feeling I am having now, but I feel free. I feel confident. Powerful. Happier than I ever did before. I used to get all jealous of people in relationships, now I find myself happy that I am not in 90% of those relationshits. I find myself glad I am not stuck in that rut where people seem to cling on to relationships that are so obviously out of whack. I see people settle for less than what they deserve just for the sake of being in a relationship, when they are obviously better off alone.

In short, I'm on a high! I'm being carefree and smiling and feeling like nothing can get me down, because nothing really can get me down now. I finally no longer feel like a lost piece of driftwood drifting around in the open sea, being affected by the waves and weather and looking for another piece of driftwood to float around with. I feel like a fucking shark now. Owning myself and my life, heading straight towards where I wanna go. Ok lame metaphor, but whatever la. I am lame, deal with it.

So with regards to the new, awesome me, I think I am beginning to see many things more clearly, more objectively, more maturely. Knn, I sound like a 16 year old going through puberty. I'm a late bloomer la, but guess what? I'm happier this way. I may update more stuff on topics that cross my mind on this blog, maybe someday I will look back again and be surprised how much I have changed again. Or not.

I'm not dead yet!

Nope I'm still very much alive. I've just been very busy. And life is getting better now so there's not much to write in this emo blog.

Fitness-wise, I'm getting there! Yes, proud to say that I haven't given up yet, despite the myriad of injuries I had gotten myself. I'm getting big (and fatter), but that's I want now. To get big. And strong. And all hulky and all. Then cut the fats and voila, dream body achieved. I make it sound easy I know, but really, losing weight is bloody easy, it gaining weight that is hard for me. Jasmine boosted my ego that day when she was over at my place and commented on how big I looked.

And nope, I'm not together with Jasmine. We're really just BFFs now, and she's the one girl I can share everything with. There's nothing I feel awkward about sharing with her really. That day when she came over though, I gave her a massage. The massage started becoming a little close for comfort as my hands started sliding close to her boobs, and my package was basically up against her very awesome butt.

But then I stopped, and told her that if I carried on I'm probably gonna rape her there and then. Yes I do miss the sex very much, but right now I value our friendship more than my own horny needs. And it's strange how we can still talk about it after that and she telling me I have to just to jerk it off. Haha yes, we are THAT comfortable with each other now.

The reason I'm back writing this now is actually because of some strange, crazy feelings I have inside about a good friend of mine. It's developing into something really strong, and I just thought it would be a good idea to pen it down here before I drive myself mad. But as of now I can't really find a way to put it down in words, so that's for another time. Jasmine and Mark, my mechanic, are the only ones who knows about my feelings for this girl. Mark seems to think we're really good together, but it doesn't override the fact that she's in stable relationship for 7 years. Yes, again. Falling for an attached girl. Sucks to be me I know. Jasmine thinks I'm gonna drive myself crazy thinking about her. I know I am, but damn I can't help it. GAWD.

Keeping fit all over again.

It has been a long time since my last post, so yep, I thought I would come in and fill this void with a little bit of rubbish. One thing that has really become a priorty in my life now, is keeping fit. I have no idea and can't really remember when it started, but I just woke up one day, looked at my body, and decided I was going to change that. I was sick of being fat, sick of feeling lethargic all the time, sick of feeling like a bum. And so my fitness plan began!

I used to be pretty much in shape when I was in the army 9 years ago. Back then I was 173cm tall and weighed a consistent 65kg. I was the fastest runner in my battalion, I got gold results for my fitness tests, but one thing I noticed, was that I never really had muscle definition. All I looked like was a skinny kid. And the strange thing was, I ate all the junk food I wanted but never got fat.

Fast forward a couple of years, I got a car and got a job. So I basically drove everywhere, didn't have the time or motivation to workout, and didn't really see a need to stay fit. I started getting really fat, and weighed about 90kg before I decided one day that hey, I've had enough of this. I want to be fit again, I want to feel good about my body again, I want to see how much I can transform myself. By this time, I could not even do ONE pushup, I couldn't walk up a flight of stairs without feeling out of breath and I have a huge bulging tummy from all the eating and beer-drinking. I started jogging and doing knee-pushups, situps, etc. And I fell in love with wakeboarding, so it became a sport I did every week. Needless to say I could barely handle the sport, and started having injuries and sores because my body simply couldn't cope with the stress of the sport. Still I pressed on but I felt like I wasn't making much progress in terms of weight-loss. It's strange how losing weight suddenly seemed like such a hugely impossible task now.

And then I read about the Atkin's diet. And I'm an impatient man, but very determined once I decide I want to do something. So I decided to try using it as a crash diet to lose some weight really fast, then slowly easing back into a normal diet and maintaining my weight with excercise. I love my food, so Atkin's really isn't a long term solution for me! So for the next 2 months, I forced myself to eat ZERO carbs. Yea I know Atkin's still allows a little carbs, but I wanted results fast. It was pretty much a torture. I felt really, really weak from the lack of carbs in my life. Everything suddenly seemed to require twice as much effort to move. And everything I loved seems to have carbs in them, I never realised how much carbs meant to my life. Even a bloody fishball has carbs for goodness sake. Even soya sauce has a little carb in it, so I steered clear away from that too. I felt really grumpy, I felt totally weak, I really missed my food, and I really hated the strange metallic taste in my mouth, which is a result of ketosis. Workouts became a torture too, I barely had strength to lift or run anymore, but still I forced myself through them.

Then, I started losing weight, really fast. I didn't measure exactly how much, all I know is that fats are starting to disappear from my body, and my pants were getting looser and looser. So for the next 2 months, I kept at this diet. Until that one fateful week. A little too much wakeboarding in a week, coupled with a few bad falls, a mild concussion, a twisted ankle, an injured back and a torn hamstring, I was forced to finally rest my body. And I had to finally admit to myself that despite the great short-term results of this diet, it could not support my lifestyle. My body is recovering really slowly from injuries, and a lack of strength while wakeboarding meant I was more prone to injuring myself as well.

So I slowly started taking more carbs again, and with a couple of days of rest and light exercise, I slowly recovered. I can't go back to wakeboarding yet because I still have not recovered from my concussion, but my body feels like its on steroids now. From not being able to do a single pushup, I have somehow trained myself to be able to do 5 sets of 10 pushups, 5 sets of 3 pull-ups and 5 sets of 5 inclined pull-ups in a typical arms workout day. I used to be giddy, totally breathless, and unable to walk straight after my usual jogging route, but today, I did the route twice without stopping and still felt great after that.

And all of these feel great! I have really pushed myself to the limit the last few months, but looking at the results now, it makes me feel really proud of myself. I still have a long way to go, but I'm getting there!

Achievement unlocked!

Ok this might be getting really dry since I am always posting about my puny wakeboard jumps, but today I did my first wake-to-wake jump! Clare decided my clumsy attempts at doing a small pop was getting somewhere, so today she told me to give it a good, hard edge and YES, I cleared the wake. And I am actually better at landing the big wake jumps than the small ones, go figure. I suffered several very dramatic falls though and my legs do not remotely feel like my legs anymore. But still, I wanna wakeboard again soon!! Gosh, everytime I get a bit better I just wanna go for more and more. It's addictive!

Life has pretty been really busy for me these few weeks. I finally understood what Mark said about never getting enough sleep when you run your own business. I find myself losing track of time, I don't seem to be able to keep track of what day of the week it is anymore! Everyday it's the same routine; I wake up, do some work, have my breakfast, do more work, have my lunch, do even more work, have my dinner, do a lot more work, excercise, sleep. Rinse and repeat.

But I really enjoy it, because everything I do, it goes towards building my own business, my own little empire. There isn't anyone to tell me what to do, or what not to do anymore. I just do it because I know I have to, and I want to, and that is a hell lot better than working for someone else. Yes, it's a hell lot tougher than my previous jobs, and I work an average of 16 hours a day, but when you WANT to do something, it doesn't exactly feel like work anymore. There is no one here to help us but myself and Sam. There is no cutting corners, pushing the workload to someone else, or finding a way to skive. If you don't get it done, it will not be done. Simple as that. Even when I'm sleeping, I will somehow always check my phone for orders or customer enquiries. And time is never enough, because there isn't an allocated workload to me anymore. How much I want the business to grow is how much work I have to put in.

But one thing I love about running my own business, is that my time is my own! I don't have to follow somebody's fixed schedule of when I should work anymore. I wake up when I think I have rested enough, I work until I think I need rest, I take a break when I know I can, and treat myself to a little break. I can never see myself working for someone else again. I just hope that this business will take off well!

Bloody tired

I am damn tired! It's been work, work and more work nowadays. I don't even have time to work out anymore, most of my workouts are done at home with a dumbell. While I'm doing....work. How can setting up a bloody website be so tiring?! Well it is, there are so many things I don't see when I surf a site. Finding suppliers, the cheapest and the best, sorting through hundreds of products, with thousands of variants, checking fitment for different vehicles, photoshopping photos, finding photos, doing layouts, links, and themes, marketing, SEOs, shipping rates, payment options, e-mails....and the list goes on. Still, everything is up and running now, we just need to get the word out that 32deg.com is taking over the world!

Joycelyn thought I was shitting her when I showed her the site. She thinks it couldn't have been done by me. HAHA. Thanks for the compliment babe. And she's just started school, and, very surprisingly, has not skipped any lessons yet! Now that's something, considering it's Joycelyn. Guess we both can be proud of each other this month lol.

And Jasmine is back to being my good buddy again. Just like old times, we will entertain each other with random rubbish, I will whine to her about me missing the girl, and she will whine to me about her new guy. We had a trip to Malaysia recently to see some pet shops, things really do feel different now. I no longer have the yearning to hold her hand, or hug her, or whatnot. She's just someone I can still share everything with, someone I can count on to make me laugh. And since we were once a couple, I guess that makes our conversations with each other even more open. It's just comfortable being around her, like it has always been. We got lost for a while because she sucks with directions, even though she refuses to admit it. After a while of driving and complaining, we finally arrived at the pet store. There, I saw a kitten which was just the most adorable thing I had ever met! Jasmine, being Jasmine, just blatantly grabbed the kitten and cuddled him for a photo. Surprisingly, the kitten froze and stayed still while I was taking the shot, only moving after I put the camera down. Here he is in all his furry glory:

Anyways, that girl once again splurged on bearded dragons, and has a whole family of them now. Here they are, from grandma all the way to the little ones.

Abscence makes the heart grow fonder

Yep. It does.