It was but a dream.

I dreamt she held my hand as we walked.

Whoa, what the hell was that. I have no idea really. They say our dreams are our innermost thoughts. I am hoping its just a random dream. Or I'm fucked.

Our story continued

Fast forward 3 years, and life was very much different for me. The rift between my ex-girlfriend and I was growing steadily, my love life was pretty much one big mess. Long story short, girl finds a new awesome computer game, guy feels neglected, starts spending late nights at workshop fixing his cars. Guy gets close with a girl, has an affair. One affair led to another, and another, and another and another, until he has his hands full and can barely manage his affairs and his own shitty life anymore. Granted, all my affairs knew they were affairs, but believe me, it isn't easy once emotions are involved. Not just theirs, but mine.

Then one fateful day, I was fixing my car when I received a call. The number looked really familiar, I just cannot seem to put a finger to it. I picked up, and heard that all-familiar voice. Turns out she and her boyfriend were in the area, and saw my van, and they decided to call me. We met up, and I saw her again after 3 long years. She still looked as beautiful as when I last saw her. And she's still the same old Jasmine. Bubbly, full of laughter, full of spunk, randomness and very lame jokes. It was just like old times, and we started hanging out again, albeit without my girlfriend. We caught up with each other's lives, and I told her about my complicated love life too. To me she is a very good friend, and I don't hide much from her.

We hardly spent any time truly alone together though. It was always with friends or her boyfriend. But still, I just enjoyed her company. Even at that time my friends were teasing at how close we were, making guesses on whether she will be my next affair. I told them it was impossible, but deep down, I really wished it was so.

Then there was that one night, I met up with her and 2 other friends for a drink while her boyfriend was at a wedding. The night went pretty normal, with some drinking and laughing amongst friends. Then it came the time to send her home, and we made our way towards home, just the two of us. Halfway through, I decided to stop at the roadside for a while, because the road ahead was prone to roadblocks. Ok that was bullshit, I just wanted an excuse to be with her a little longer. We talked for a while, and the topic came to whether I had liked her in the past. I admitted that I did, and still do. There was a long, awkward silence between us, and it was back to the same scene from 3 years ago again. My hand resting just millimeters away from hers, as I wondered if I should do anything. 

Except this time, I held her hand.

She didn't resist, she just reciprocated and held mine too. Despite the silence of the moment, there was a rising crescendo and explosion of feelings raging inside of me. This girl, the girl I had always wanted for 3 years, the girl who always makes me smile, the girl who makes me green with envy at her boyfriend. And here I am, beside her, holding her hand. She put her head on my shoulders, and snuggled up to me. She asked if we should be doing this at all, but I told her for tonight, I didn't want to care. Tonight is the night I had always dreamt of. I didn't want to think about the consequences, I didn't want to think about the future. Tonight, I just want this moment to last forever. Tonight, I just want you in my arms. And I did. She cuddled on my lap and lay her head on my chest as I stroked her hair, and we just stayed like this the whole night. The position was awkward, my legs were turning numb, but I didn't really take notice. I just didn't want to break this magical moment. It wasn't until daybreak that we were forced to leave and head home. The drive back was relatively quiet, as we held each others hand and drove, making a random comment or joke every now and then. I know there are a million unanswered questions and feelings going through her head, as was I.

The next day, I dropped her a 'good morning' text. That was it, the moment of truth. Will things be the same, or will they get awkward? After what seemed like an eternity, she replied 'good morning' with a smiley face. I heaved a sigh of relief.

Our affair started taking off from there. Sweet messages, rantings about our partners, random chitchats, long phonecalls throughout the day. My friends starting noticing things were different, how I was always on the phone with her, smiling to myself. How I am always finding her for lunch. How I am starting to drift away from my other affairs. We barely had time to meet alone, because of her protective boyfriend, but I will always sneak in a hug or a kiss when no one is looking. Our lunches always meant a lot to me. I would pick her up, have a quick lunch together, and we would just go somewhere to cuddle and talk. On the rare occasion we have time alone together at night, we would just spend it in each other's embrace, talking about anything and everything It was such a simple pleasure to me, just being with her. It was an affair, but to me it was like the first time I fell in love with a girl. Pure, beautiful, simple love. Such was our paradoxical relationship, it was everything so wrong, that felt so right. 

It was not something we could keep under wraps very long though. On hindsight, we weren't exactly hiding either. The way we talk, the way we sit so close to each other, the way we tease each other, all of them just scream 'affair'. I guess we just didn't really care anymore, maybe a part of us was just hoping that everything will blow up one day, and we will be left with each other. And it did. It was that night, things got ugly between her and her boyfriend. Her boyfriend apparently told my girlfriend all about me and my affairs too. I just went home to find all my things out in the living room. I didn't say much, and neither did she. There was nothing left to say that wouldn't hurt her further. There was no point either, whatever we had had fizzled out a year ago. My biggest mistake? Not letting go of her sooner. Because for the record, she was a really good and caring girlfriend. Perhaps her addiction to her computer games really did us in, maybe I was just finding an excuse for myself. Whatever it was, whatever we had was already gone a long time ago, despite my attempts to revive it, and I had should have let go of her a year go, because she deserves so much more than me and the shit I put her through. I had let her down, I know that. I just hope she has found someone who she deserves now.

So after a long night, there we were, with a van full of my stuff and hers. I guess you could say that was the start of our relationship then. Sounds wrong, doesn't it? Yes it does, because it is. Because our relationship was built on the basis of lies, betrayed trusts and broken hearts.

But that night, we finally had each other, and that was all that mattered to us then.