You, yeah, you.

I still can't get over how much I'm missing you. I realized how quiet my life is without you. I missed how you can just ramble on and on about anything and everything and annoy the crap out of me, but everytime I give you the annoyed look, there's always a hint of a smile behind it. How you used to bring so much life to my house, making my folks laugh, sometimes making me cringe at the silly things you say. How you used to wake me up at 3am, tell me you were too hyper to sleep, jumping on the bed, poking me, tickling me to wake me up and talk to you. I missed our little trips to the supermarket, where we will end up overspending on tidbits and food, and finish half of them within a day. I miss your cheeriness, your smile, your laugh, your pouts, your energy. I missed how under all that attitude you place in front of you, you had a really good, caring heart for those around you. How you will always annoy me by asking me to buy food and drinks for my friends before we meet. How you will always ask my parents if they need us to buy anything home, even though I really didn't want to. How you will always want me to call my parents to show concern for them. How you always dragged me along to feed stray dogs.

I miss you so much.

I remembered telling you I loved to see you happy, telling you if one day I cannot be the one to make you smile like you should, if  one day I cannot bring you the happiness you deserve anymore, to leave me because all I want is for you to be happy.

The day has come, but I have never imagined it would be so, so hard to let you go.

I'm just a fool

I'm just a fool.

A fool for you.

Castiel and Joycelyn

So after months of calling him python, snake, oi, little one, etc, the ever-annoying girl Joycelyn decided to take it into her own hands to name my python Castiel. MY python, without even asking for MY opinion. Yup that's Joycelyn for you, the moste awesomest bitch on this planet. You're lucky I find that its a nice name. So Castiel it shall be :)

So that's my pet python, currently seeking refuge in Joyce's balrog-themed, very black and pink room. Me and that girl, we have the strangest friendship. We are never there for each other, because either of us can disappear from each other's lives for weeks or months at a time (especially her, may I add). But yet, somehow both of us have never really blamed each other for that. Somehow, we understand each other. She's the one girl I can be completely honest with, someone I can spend the whole night with, just sitting by the roadside and talking till until the sun comes up, and I have to go to work. She can be one crazy, fiery-tempered, short-fused bitch, but she has never lost it with me. I have yet to really figure out why, but I'm guessing its because not many people will understand her innermost thoughts like I do. As she does mine. I have never found a need to be fake or hide anything with this girl. And that is why the times we do have together mean a lot to me. Thanks for being an awesome friend and buddy.

So, one day when you do come out of hiding in your little safe haven, and I meet you and tell you about this blog, then you'll see this post and know how much I love you to bits. And be very touched. After you finish laughing at why the ah beng is writing a blog now. Just don't kill my python till then, I know how much you suck with pets.

Here is the link to her now defunct blog, which she has yet to update in a long time but still whines that I am not helping her get enough viewership. THERE, DON'T SAY DON'T HAVE.

http://kittyn-x.blogspot.sg/

KTV girls!

"Team bonding tonight! Who's going?"

That was the message that came through on my phone on that peaceful Wednesday afternoon. Of course, knowing my colleagues, I knew team-bonding will probably involve drinking at some raunchy KTV, and paying a few tens to get to grab a boob or get a kiss. More will probably get you a blowjob, and extorbitant amounts will get you a fuck for the night, if the girl provides...ermmmm...after work services.

I usually don't like such places, the few times I have been to them was to entertain bosses or friends. I had never liked the idea of paid intimacy or sex, don't ask me why. I just don't. Some of the more "innocent" colleagues have agreed to go this time, so I thought what the hell, this might finally be a good time for me to go. At least I'll have company being awkward there. I have already rejected my boss many times, but in this dirty, political corporate world, we all know that being friends with the boss is a good way to climb up the ladder. That is not to say its purely for securing my job anyways, I'm pretty close to the guys now, they are great friends, and it will be nice to hang out with them and get drunk together once in a while.

So I picked up my colleagues, headed down to the location. Lo and behold, a brightly lit neon sign with pictures of girls plastered all over the walls. "Team building, riiiiight."

It started off pretty normal, a couple of beers, some bitching among guys about work and office babes, some laughter. Then the last guy arrived, exclaimed "Where are the girls?!" And the night started.

Girls started coming in, mostly dressed in their most skanky outfits. Mini-skirts, shorts so short you can see their buttcheeks, plunging necklines revealing so much boob, they may as well be naked. Things went as I expected, the usual suspects had their wandering hands disappearing underneath the the girl's dresses, and occasionally you can see them literally eating out the girl's face in a furious battle of tongues and lips. The girls knew what they were doing too, teasing and seducing the men to part with their money.

It was quite a sight, and its not a pretty sight. This industry always brings out the worst in us, to see how easily dignity and chastity is so easily traded for a couple of tens so easily given as well. But oh well, its a fair trade. One needs to grab some boob is willing to pay for it. One has the boobs and is willing to let you touch them for your money. Its all business, good business, and everyone is happy. The other 3 of us just continued drinking our beer, watching the transactions occur, laughing along with the rest, rejecting the girls that came our way. The atmosphere was happy, light-hearted and jovial. I can see why its team-bonding, everyone was really having fun, and getting closer together.

The night went on, and slowly my other 2 colleagues succumbed to the combined pressures of the girls, the other guys, their own manly urges, and of course, the alcohol. I was the only one left without a girl, and honestly, I didnt really mind. No I wouldn't say I am extremely self-righteous, well-controlled or gay. I would probably have succumbed much earlier a couple of months back, but ever since my recent breakup, I honestly am not in much of a mood for girls. So there isn't actually much self-control needed, so to speak.

Then there was this girl, standing at the back as the other girls jostled for my attention. I don't know exactly what is it about her (it may be just the alcohol), but as our eyes met and she smiled, I smiled back. And she happily squeezed her way past her friends to take her seat beside me, as her other friends left in disappointment, knowing that's one less customer to earn from.

She sat beside me, and introduced herself as Hyfa?kag?k?adhaj. No its not that I can't be bother about her name, I just really cannot pronounce Vietnamese names for the life of me. Let's just call her H. I introduced myself as well, and she just smiled leaned on my shoulder, holding onto my arm. I don't know what hit me then (its probably just the alcohol again haha), but memories of Jas came back to me like floodwaters bursting through a broken dam again. Memories of how she used to hold my arm in the same way, that lean that says "I want you". And for that moment, I found my hand sliding behind her back, holding her by her shoulder and pulling her towards me in a tight embrace. I can tell she was a bit surprised, probably pleasantly surprised, as she put her head on my chest and her arm around my tummy. Just like her. It was a quiet, special moment we both enjoyed, as we just sat there in each other's embrace, not speaking, not caring about the loud music or the boob-grabbing going on. To me, it was probably just a minor, temporary fill in the void I am feeling. To her, its probably a good change from all the other customers who seem to be interested in only her boobs.

I took out my phone to check the time, and like a playful child, she grabbed my phone and went straight into my photo album. Somehow I knew what she was looking for, as she scrolled quickly through the pages. Then she found a photo of her carrying a dog. She looked at the photo for a while, then she looked at me and asked me, "Girlfriend?"

I replied, "Yea."

Then she said, "Just no more?"

Its strange how she knew, considering she just knew me for about 15 minutes, and we can't exactly communicate well in words. I just nodded my head. She didn't say anymore, just snuggled up closer to me as she looked through my photos, occasionally asking me a question in very broken English here and there about them, and I replied with a mixture of very simple English and wild gesticulation. She then showed me her photos, pointing to them and saying "Father", "Mother", "House". She showed me her hometown, her family, her boyfriend who, if I didn't understand wrongly, cheated on her with another girl and she saw them at a restaurant, seated just a table away. And I just listened to her, enjoying the moment and stroking her hair gently. Girls came and left the room in droves after earning their tips, but she just stayed on, talking, enjoying herself. Guess she would prefer a quiet, nice night tonight then trying to earn money from every guy in the KTV.

After we were done with the photos, she looked at me straight in the eye for a short while, and she said

"I love you."

I knew she probably didn't mean like true love or anything, but that's probably the only words she knows to say to express that she likes me, but it was pretty sweet. I just smiled, caressing her face as I did. Then the gentle touch of lips, as we moved closer to each other. That slight, teasing kiss, like the first time I kissed a girl. Then she held me, pulled me close, and our lips locked. No raunchiness, no tonguing, no wandering hands. Just a sweet, passionate, teenage kiss as we lost ourselves in this strange relationship we had just developed. As we finally broke off, I could here my friends teasing me that we looked more like lovers than a customer/ KTV girl relationship. I didn't care, I just continued looking at her in the eye and smiling. I know its not love, I know I will never be in a long-term relationship with her, but for that night, I think we both just found some comfort and understanding in each other that we are both giving each other something we both missed. It was a nice feeling.

We spent the night like this, cuddling, kissing, teasing and talking in very bad English. The occasional drunk friend will come over and try to get some touchy-touchy, but she pushed them away. She will snuggle closer to me, and feeling strangely protective of her tonight, I will fend them off. Everyone just thinks its the weirdest they had ever seen a KTV girl and customer behave, but oh well, I don't really care what people think. I just laughed along with them. Then she asked if she could stay over at my place tonight. I know what that means is going to happen tonight, I just find it strange for the girl to be the one asking in a KTV setting, but I said yes anyway. Slowly as the night died down, and everyone had their share of boob-grabbing and blowjobs, we left for home. I held her hand on the way back. I don't care if people are going to think I'm dating a KTV girl, but tonight, I wanted to make her feel special again.

My room was still the exact same state as when J left, her stuffed toys still displayed in a row on my bed frame, her clothes in my cupboard, her furry pink blanket adorning my bed. She looked around curiously, and asked, "Her?" I replied with a simple "Yea." In a surprising move, she rubbed my hair, and kissed me on the forehead, in a way that tells me, "Its OK". Its really strange, how so much can be communicated between us through a few simple words.

We switched off the lights, and cuddled in bed for a while. Our noses were barely micrometers away from each other, our breathing strangely loud in the quiet room. The kiss came, and the passion as we lost ourselves in each other. She went fast, but everytime she did, I stopped her. Tonight, I just wanted her to feel that sex, is not just sex. That sex is called "making love" for a reason. I took my time, advancing slowly, slowly exploring her body, feeling the touch of her skin against mine. The rest I shall not type anymore, lest this blog becomes labelled as being pornographic.

As we lay exhausted in each other arms afterwards, we didn't talk for a while. Just that deep gazing into each other's eyes, occasionally smiling, occassionally a quick peck. Then she said, "You sex different." I jokingly teased, "Because I big?" She giggled, in a girlish little way, and replied, "You more love." I just smiled at her and held her closer to me. "You want me send you home?", I asked. She shook her head, and said, "No, I stay." I smiled again, closed my eyes, and just like this, we slept till morning.

The next day, I sent her home, and she gave me a long hug before giving me a kiss on the cheek. Somehow I could tell from her eyes, she knew this relationship is not meant to last. In 6 days, she will be leaving for home, and all that we have of each other will be a memory of two very different people from very different walks of life, who found a common understanding and mean so much to each other for that one night. She didn't ask me for payment of any kind, in a way it made me happy, because that probably meant that night meant more to her than just earning money.

I may not even remember your name or see you again, but thank you for that one lovely night. I wish you all the best in Vietnam :)


As a sub-note, I think girls working in these industries are some of the strongest people in the world. People do not think much of them, many even despise them. People just pay the money, get the sex, and carry on with their happy lives.

Some of them come willingly, knowing what they are getting into. Some have been tricked by unscruplulous pimps. Some have an inkling that they are going to be tricked, but still come because they really need the money. But the thing most of them have in common, is that they keep working, to provide a better life for their loved ones, their family. Some are even married. They had families, husbands, children, boyfriends, love, and they gave it all away to come to a foreign land where they are treated like sex objects. You cannot imagine the feelings that they are experiencing everyday they are here. How much they want to get out of this life, how much they wish they could live like us, if only for a while. And yet, in spite of these emotions, they have to put on a happy, cheerful face everyday they work. That's the only way they can earn more money, because nobody wants to screw a grumpy girl. They hide their sorrow, their pain and their emotions behind that heavy makeup and skimpy outfits. And here we are, showing up in office all grumpy and emotional because last night I broke a manicured nail.

That's why I think they are the strongest girls I know, and sadly, few will get to experience what we have. True love, comfort, security, are all the things in life we take for granted that these girls do not have. To all theses girls, I sincerely hope that every single one of you will be able to live a better life one day. Because I really feel, that you deserve much much more than the hell you are going through now.

Insomnia

Uh oh.

The good old beer aint working anymore. Now even getting myself drunk is not helping me fall asleep anymore. Or maybe I need more, but I do not have the funds to fund my beer anymore. So meh. I actually fell asleep early last night, but woke up at 5am after I had a dream about her. This is fucked up. I'm getting better, I know I'll be fine soon. But as of now, I still miss her like crazy.

Karma for the things I did? Maybe.

That aside, I finally changed the shifter bushing and sealed the holes in my firewall today. My engine is still sitting on the floor in the exact same position it was 5 days ago, looking sorry for itself. Don't worry baby, I'll get your heart all fixed up soon, you're all I have now ;)

New shoes on the way.

So, like a fastidious girl fussing over what shoes to wear, the male himbo in me is taking over. Not on myself (thankfully), but on the projection of my narcissism: my VW caddy.

Quite unlike females, for cars, bigger, fatter and wider is actually better! So what happens when you want to fit wheels way bigger or wider than you actually can? There are lots of ways, but one of the simplests, and nicest in my opinion, is to flare the arches.

The idea is simple: A sort of arm with a roller at the end is attached to the hub of your vehicle. By tightening the arm, the roller pushes the inner lip of the wheel inwards, to the point where it is flush with the fender, and that gives you a little more clearance with you fat fat rims.

But as we know, the greed of humans is incessant, and naturally, there will be the the few who would wanna take things a bit further. So by increasing the pressure further, and continually heating the paint to keep it from cracking, a nice flare can be had with some hard work. Ok not some. A LOT of hardwork.

But anyways, here's the end result! My new babies should go in just fine now :D

Goodbye, my love...

So I've heard.

I heard you moved on.

That you found someone better.

Someone who can bring the smile back to your face.

I was blank for a while.

And in that moment of blankness, I wished that I, too, had moved on.

I wished that it is the reason why I'm not feeling anything.

And then it started.

That sick, indescribable feeling slowly building its way in my chest.

Of what?

I don't know exactly. 

Its like every negative emotion I know, is slowly awakening within me.

And like a prey not wanting to wake his predators,

I tried to push them away, keep them quiet, ignore them.
But its too late.

The predators have awoken, hungry.
Like hungry vultures circling their dying prey.

This time, I didn't run away anymore.

I couldn't.
There was nowhere to.
I just lay there, and let them devour me from within.

I let the tears flow down my face.

I wanted so much to scream.

To hit something. Someone.

To run, just run until the air in my lungs run out.

I wanted to call you

to ask you why.

To let you know,

how much you mean to me.

And how much its killing me inside.

But,
I love you too much.

I love you way too much to try to make you stay.

Because I know you're happy now.

I do not want to hold you back from the life you deserve.

I've never believed that if you love someone, you will let them go.

But now I do.

And that is why I will not call you.

I will not let you see the pathetic, pitiful state I am in now.

I will not let you know how much hurt I'm feeling because of you.

Because I can never bear to hurt you again.

I love you, Jasmine.

I know you will never see this,

but I just hope in my heart,

you will be truly happy.

And you will look back at the memories,

and know that despite whatever has happened,

whoever I was before I met you,

whatever I have done to you,

I have truly loved you.

And I still do.

I can't sleep.

Not with the thoughts of you haunting me.

Crazy

Yeah I'm crazy, we were crazy, thank you for the crazy, happy few months girl.

I wish you well.

The beginning, and very possibly the end.

Hello world!

A little introduction? 

I'm Kelvin, 26 years of age as of this post, major lover of cars, strange animals and nature as a whole, fishing, and a heck load of other boring stuff you wouldn't give two shits about.

So why a blog?

Because some people apparently think I can write, and I am very drunk now but still can't get to sleep so I thought I will give this a shot and see what I can come up with.

So what's this blog going to be about?

Anything I can get of the top of my head, anything I might just feel like sharing or ranting about, maybe some car stuff. That's the plan for now, anyways. Chances remain high that after tomorrow, this blog will just lay forgotten and just take up one more domain in your precious little blogspot server.

So being a car lover, what do you drive?
A van. Yes, a van. But nicer, faster and with a better sound system than your mom's Prius.

I also have a BMW 535 track car I'm sharing with a friend if you do want to know. Oh and before you think I'm a real baller for having a BMW drift car, its a 1988 pile of rust that is, as of today, unable to start because we stripped the wires and can't be arsed to reconnect it. But more on that next time.

Cheerios.